Tuesday, January 29, 2008


Beneath the steel sky
tired feet crunch in unison
You're now of the hoard


Why is it that some lessons learned as youngsters are kept as we get older, yet others are thrown away? Who decides which lessons are to be kept and which become taboo? I study, you learn. Jinqui.

Lesson 1- Penis

When I was a young lad of 4, I took my pants down and showed the other children what it was that made me better than them. For that I got hit on the naked ass with a rose stem. When I was 6 I decided the classroom needed to see lil' Stevester, for that I got the yardstick by the teacher and the broomstick from my mother when I got home. The lesson we should have learned here is that showing your penis leads to bad things, right?

When I was 18 I showed a young lady my penis, and we have now been together for almost 9 years. WTF?! My whole world is being turned topsy turvy! Maybe showing my penis to people is a good thing, something the evil adults never wanted me to know. How do I know that when I go for a bank loan, flashing Ol' Pinkeye will not get the loan approved? How do I know the conversation would not go something like:

Bank official: "Well Stevester you have shitty credit, which is par for the course for you negros Hmmeah hmeahh!'- we share a good natured laugh at this point-', you have no collateral, you're holding tickets to Mexico and you shit on the reception area coffee table. There's no way I would let you borrow a quarter for the vending machine, much less 200000 dollaruskies. (waves hands in magical way) Begone, negro!"

Me: (unzipping pantaloons) "Perhaps this' flashes thick and chunky bald head monkey' will change your mind?"

Bank official (astounded and mesmerized): "Oh my God, the North American Purple-headed beaver basher! I thought it was just a myth! Yes, yes you can have the loan, just please leave that Pink Silver Dollar roll out so that I may bask in it's glory!"

How do I know that showing the police a well polished skin kazoo will not get me out of a ticket? No one knows because you don't friggin' do it! Well screw that! I am going to let my kids show themselves off. I am going to smile proudly as my kid plays pocket pool all the time in public, how do we know he will not flash his way into the presidency? Palm that cock!

By the way the results when I showed my lovely wife Mr. Jenkins were not typical. I have probably shown myself to every person I know (if you have not seen it remind me and I will be glad to initiate you into the club) and the responses have varied from "Well that's a strange response to 'is your Mommy home'" to "Stevester stop it we have company!"

Lesson 2- Shit

When I was 3 and I took a shit my mom and dad would run into the bathroom and shower me with praise and snacks, wipe my ass for me and sing songs and hold hands in gentle harmony. Why is it that now when I try to show off my super chunky brown butter no one wants to see it, and everyone reels back in disgust, saying things like "Ugh put that back in the toilet!" to "Stevester close the damn door we have company!" When did it become wrong to take pride in my dookies? What is wrong with the world today?

Lesson 3- Strangers

When I was young I was told not to talk to strangers, that they were dangerous and should be avoided. Later in like I spoke to a stranger and she allowed me to penetrate 2 of her 3 holes and bought me lunch in school the next day. Smeagol does not talk to strangers and hit on his cousin. Why is that... well no that's fucking disgusting, moving on...

Lesson 4- Food

When we are young we are told to clean our plates or it is 5 across the eyes you little bastard! Yet now I clean my plate and my son's too when he looks the other way and I'm a "total jerk who just made the kids go hungry again". First off whatever happened to "survival of the fittest"? secondly why did I not get a reward for not only eating my din-din but for taking care of someone else's?

More lessons later...

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