steveshaikus: Shorter post

Monday, January 7, 2008

Shorter post

Satellite boogers
evades the roaming finger
and shows ugly self

Heart attack update

So I do not think I am having a heart attack anymore, since it has been going on for almost a week off and on and I am no doctor (though I play one on TV) but I have never heard of a heart attack lasting a week. I thought back to some of the healthy meals I had eaten over the past few weeks and decided it was heartburn. I had never had it, just a sign that I am getting older, fatter and strangely sexier, what with my gray hair and penchant for snuggling.

Anyway, I tried to watch all 4 football games over the weekend, only missing the Giants and the Bucs, and how the hell is it that literally every team I wanted to win got their taints handed to them? It's as if God was sittin on his throne on Mount Olympus, gently masturbating whilst watching Smeagol perm his raptorpubes, and figured you know what? That asshole Stevester has not had enough shit tossed on him yet, let's pile this on and see what happens! Ugh the thought of Smeagol perming his pubes, then not washing his hands and touching things that I end up eating off of is making me sick.

JJ came by, and I dunno why I was surprised by it but he really did not have any time to visit, he just wanted to burn a couple of cds and then he left. I mean, why make a 20 mile trip in a car with a v8 that gets horrible gas mileage, just to burn cds and not to talk with your brother? It made me sad, but not as sad as all the spyware he installed did. No wonder he complains about his internets never working. I wish I knew Flanders' number, I would have JJ call him and get some technical support:

Flanders: "Skimmerrinkeedinkeedoo, Flanders here! I am way to busy to be taking this call. I am a giant douche who asks stupid questions!"

JJ: "Uhhhhh.....click"

AH, my imagination is a wild untamed beast. So I need to get another headlight for the 'scort, since the Ferrelview cop keeps driving by the car slowly and looking at the tags, which are expired by a month. I briefly entertained the idea of selling it to Smeagol, but the knowledge that he would never get it legal and somehow ruin my driving record was too much, plus I feel attached to the car. There's also the tiny thing about anything successful catching fire when coming into contact with Smeagol that is a problem.

More tomorrow.

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Monday, January 7, 2008

Shorter post

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