Tuesday, January 22, 2008

JJ Jail Jam

It's Bootzilla here
Twin magnetic funk makers
All ready baby!

If you can say the title of this post 3 times fast, you have too much time on your hands. You're (your for DTodd) fired.

Anyway, no one bailed JJ out, and his girl ended up doing it when she got paid. I was going to feel bad, but I have been burned by Smeagol so many times I am no longer the trusting soul I used to be. He calls me at my house last night, and I am already getting clothes on to go drive him wherever he needs to go when I pick up - it hat been that kind of day. I had gone to see my uncle in Belton, my grandmother in Gladstone why not a trip to Independence? Gas is down all the way to 2.58, I can afford to drive all over fucking creation.

Anyway, he needs a ride, and to borrow gas money, which is a new twist on asking for a ride. How do you ask for a ride then have the person driving you give you gas money? I really don't care, JJ is my brother, I will help if I can. I go pick him up and take him to get his car.

Before I get to the beefy center of this story, the reason he needed a ride from me was because my dad had told him he would not take him anywhere unless he came up with some substantial gas money. You would think my dad would know that since he has no job the only other legal option is to call me, who has to make a 25 mile trip out to pick him up, but I guess they think I am living large and in charge, so what the hell.

Anyway, we are riding along, and JJ informs me of some new lingo he has heard. When crack heads need that rock, they ask in a multitude of ways. He thought he knew them all, as he had been asked the following, and they all mean the asker is attempting to purchase some crack rocks:

"You a rock star?"
"You ready to rock out?"
"You puttin in that work?"
"Hey son, I'll suck you-" nah, I am just kiddin' on that one.

But he heard a new one, one that he had never heard before:

"Hey young blood, you got what it takes?"

He responded that he did not sell crack rocks, if thats what the vagrant meant, to which he toothlessly replied (does anyone know a crack head who has a full head of pearly whites? I'd like to know) "Ah shit brutha I just thought you had what it takes to start the day right is all!"

Anyway, JJ then started talking about his short stint at County, as if I had any idea what he was talking about, and regaled me with a story of his cellmate.

Apparently, when you go to jail it is polite to ask your cell mate what he did to get in there. I am not sure if not asking is a recipe for butt rape, but for the sake of comedy, let's pretend it is. His celly told him the reason he was in there was because of a botched robbery. "Stevester, robberies are rampant in the Kansas City area" You might be saying, trying to catch my sweet ass high score in that helicopter game (1334, ugh son!)... but this one had a twist: It seems his homeboy told him he was packing a gun, and when they happened upon some fair skinned victims, jumped out of the alley and stuck his fingers out, thumbs cocked back, and informed them it was a stickup.

Pause for station identification.

Now here we have to assume a few things:

1. Everyone on the antagonist side was high on something.
2. Somewhere down the line inbreeding had occurred, or bestiality, as I can prove is not all that uncommon in some of my later posts.

Apparently everyone but the guy with the "guns" started laughing, and he got enraged. How dare they laugh at his fake finger gun? He apparently punched the white guy in the mouth, knocking him down. JJ also took this opportunity to inform me he was holding a big gulp, which is funny though not relevant to this story.

While this was happening, across the street at the police station, someone took notice and arrested the two gents. Let that sink in as well. They robbed some white guy at the 7-11 on 31st and Van Brunt, which is LITERALLY across the street from the Van Brunt Police station, thinking they would not be caught. And rappers wonder why no one takes them seriously.

More fun tomorrow, though late.

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