Monday, September 29, 2008

A History of SexyTime

toilet bowl glistens
if only for one damn day
I hate spring cleaning

So during the last few years before my parents got divorcified and the crack rampaged through our family like a freight train hell bent on destruction, I was in the 6th grade, a super sexified gentleman with the authentic Kid-N-Play eraser box hairdo (I do technically have a photo, but I am not sure I am ready to unleash as such on you all. The last time I did the chick just started blowing me like there was no tomorrow, and then when I woke up from that dream my wife was still laughing at it), and known to the ladies as "that fat kid".

It was a gentle time, being beat up by the neighborhood bully, "Pooki", his name was, and verbally assaulted by his boylover/ sidekick, Ramon, Smeagol coming by with uglier and ugleir ladies to bed them in our house for God knows what reason, my sister constantly wrecking cars over and over and getting caught by yours truly midmount by some dude on our livingroom floor, great times. Today's tale is about me though, so let's get to it.

Amber was ugly. So was Trisha. Amber had one eyebrow. Trisha had 2, but also weighed in at about 325. Amber was a much more svelte 270-280, but messed that up with her hair issues. Hairy armpits are not sexy on a chick, no matter how ugly your face is it is not alright to just let that go to Hell too.

Anyway, Trisha was our neighbor, and Amber was the aunt of this nerdy kid who lived across the street. How does the Stevester factor into this? First, let me explain that I am not insulting them because they are big. One of the biggest crushes I had on any chick in my whole life was about 230 or so, and with her green eyes, big butt and Adam's apple she still gets a rise out of me. Amber was, as I noted before, almost insultingly ugly as well, with her unibrow of justice and hairy armpits that looked like she had gotten a goat in a headlock. The one thing she did have going for her was that she was 18, and, my being 12, an older chick wanting some Steve-Goo (that's copyrighted) was a pretty sassy proposition. Trisha, not so much. See we lived in a duplex on 9th and Cleveland (if you go to 9th and Cleveland, you will know what I am talkifying about, it's the only one there), a 2 story turn-of-the-century brick "parlorhouse", as our landlord put it. Upstairs, as was the style for the time I guess, the little roof over the porch made a great mini-deck for the second story, and this was what kept me up at night. Like wolves waiting for the sacrificial lamb to leave it's pen, Amber would sit across the street and watch my window all the time, and Trisha would tell JJ she was planning on raping me on a near daily basis, and I could see her waiting at her window, waiting patiently for me to leave my window unlocked so she could enter my room and thus...I dunno, make me enter her?

How do you rape a dude if you are a woman? That sounds physically impossible. "Keep your cock hard and lay there while I ride it, or I'ma gonna kill ya".... no way I say that in my head do I feel anything but arousal. Unless it is Greyskull, then I vomit into a trashcan while diahrrea takes me.

Anyway, on the fateful night that Amber finally got something out of me, I wa-


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