Thursday, September 11, 2008

I hate children, pt. II

mystic fog draws near,
bacon arrives undercooked
"This pop certified?"

So here is the picture: a million little fuckin' brats, a line at the door full of kids I had never seen before waiting to get in and wreak their own havoc. The wife, gone. Dogs, hiding. Sphincter, loosening.

I finally just get up and start telling these little bastages they need to leave, and when they whine I tell them their parents don't love them anymore and shove them out the door. All told each child received 2 pieces of cake and 4 scoops of ice cream, along with 3 or 4 cups of Jolt, and I am sure the payback was worth having to deal with them, knowing they would keep their parents up ALL fucking night. Shows them for not coming over to corral their little semencakes.

So I finally get the 5 that are left to start getting ready, as the big plan is to take them to Pizza Street and then on to Chuck E Cheese's. Smeagol calls and I let that shits roll to machine: "Heeeeeyyyyyy niiiiiiggiiiiee.... I head there was a party or something and thought you mi- BEEP" I secretly pat myself on the cock (because I can't reach my back) for letting the machine fill up with telemarketer calls.

How does Smeagol find out about this crap? How does he know when there is something free? Does he have Raptoradar? (I am copyrighting that, any time you say it you owe me a hand-party)

Anyway, long story short, we get these damn kids through all of that and they still stay up until 3 in the fucking morning, snickering, probably rubbing weiners all over my drink cup (that's what I did as a lad at my friend's house) and generally being pains in the assholes.

Let's skip to Last night. I am sitting on the couch, consuming my normal meal which now consists of a salad and 3 gulps of fat-free air, and trying to watch some soft core porn with the boys (it's how we bond). Toby comes by and says, and I shit you not: "Hey, do you have some of the internet? I need you to look up a web page on internet exploring."

Ugh. Whatever, apparently JJ had paid 900 dollars to a lawyer who of course failed to show up. I asked if it was "Smeagol and Associates, LTD" but apparently not. Smeagol, as usual, missed his court date and now has a warrant from Ferrelview to add to his already impressive collection. I wonder if it was because he is so dedicated to his "second" job?

Also, in case some of you did not know, I am on the Facebook now, if you cannot find me on there, you are retarded. I am the only fat black guy wearing a tutu.


The Mulletin Board said...

Thanks for the blogroll add. There will be more to come soon. I saw your blog once before... because i am a big fan of the haiku.

Haikus are fun
But sometimes they don't make sense

Stevester said...

Holy fuck that was awesome!!!!!