steveshaikus: I hate children

Monday, September 8, 2008

I hate children

Damn I hate children

Tiny teeth, annoying voices

But your kids are cool

Let me start with a disclaimer. I don't mind kids in small numbers. I don't mind kids that mind their own business. I don't mind kids that do not act like they are on crack. None of those aforementioned children showed up to my son's impromptu birthday party Saturday.

My son turned 8 yesterday, and we had decided in lieu of a bunch of hyperactive kids running around and breaking things that he could have his best friend over. This soon turned into his best friend and his cousin, which was still not that bad. I don't particularly like his cousin, because he thinks he knows everything in the world and can't see why you would dare disagree with him, and also thinks he is better than everyone else, but I digress.

So fine, 5 boys is not so bad, I figured we would head to Pizza Street, since they had a deal that kids eat free (which was not entirely true, once you got into the place 1 kid per each adult ate free, whatevs) and then finish the night at Chuck E. Cheese's. Then they would hopefully fall asleep so me and the wife can get busy. This is not how it ended up.

First, about 8 other kids showed up throughout the day, insisting they be let in because "so-and-so is in there!" and I could not come up with a reason for not letting the little hellions in. I told them all to go into the gameroom and either play or watch the other kids play the Wii, as I was not prepared to have a bunch of loser kids tear my damn house up literally an hour after I spent all day cleaning it.

In walks these little jerks, and completely ignoring my repeated requests to not raptor my damn house up they tear that gameroom apart. Kid A went into the toy closet and started literally dumping tubs of toys onto the floor, picked a solitary Pokemon out and walked off, Kid B went over to my bookshelf and just started tearing books off the shelf, throwing them on the floor. Kid C picked up my guitar and started slapping on it, fucking it up and throwing it out of tune. Fuck this. I stopped kid B, told him to leave and that he was not getting any cake, and then when the other kids were eating cake I ate a piece in the window so he could see me, feeling goodness in my heart as he stood there whining because he wanted cake too.

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Monday, September 8, 2008

I hate children

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