Thursday, October 2, 2008

A History of SexyTime

swollen hemorrhoid
flowered pinwheel now beckons
the fuck am I say'n?

When we left off, I was about to tell you all about the night my neighbor's 18 year old wildebeest aunt touched my naughty place. Let's resume, shall we?

Anyhoo, the day started out normal enough, I hopped on my supafly gold peregrine dirt bike (with the mismatched mongoose handlebars, totally boss!) and moseyed down to my friend's house with JJ in tow on his brand spankin' new TMNT dirt bike with the handlebars that you could rest your legs on while you ride, totally keen son! Anyway, we all met up at Matthew's house, (if you will remember he is the kid that let our dog hump him) and were trying to decide on what to do on such a wonderful day. It was finally decided that we would start by racing to another friends house down this huge hill and around the corner, get some Koolaid, and then try to catch another glimpse of one of our friend's 13 year old sister changing, as she did not have shades and did actually have tiny breasts.

JJ was already on his bike and flying down the hill, singing "Koolaid Koolaid I'm gonna wiiii-" when it happened. You see, at the corner was a stop sign. and parked at said stop sign was an RV. Yes this is illegal, but also understand this is Northeast Kansas City, so not only did no one care about no stinkin laws, no one spoke English anyway. Get a good picture of the RV and the house on the corner obscuring anything coming down that street. Got it? Good, let's move on.

JJ was screaming down the street, intent on flying around said RV and winning the race to get to the delicious Koolaid we all craved. As he rounded the corner, though, this is not what happened. Apparently 2 old ladies in a late 70s Cadillac Coupe Deville had decided to take this very street on this most unfortunate day. Since said RV was blocking the stop sign, they never even saw it, and went hurtling through the intersection at a breakneck pace of about 10 miles an hour, completely decimating JJ's bike and introducing him to the world of a stuntman as he flipped like a ragdoll over the top of the car and onto the pavement.

We stood there, shocked. Was he dead? As if in answer we heard him cry out "I'm dead! I'm deaaaaaad!" as the little old ladies finished mangling his poor brand new bike and got out to see what this heathen negro was whining about after sullying their while caddy with his smelly body.

Anyway, more on that later. As JJ was at the hospital, Mom decided to get rid of me for the night too and suggested I stay the night over at the neighbor's house. No not our immediate neighbor, though I am sure someone over there would have loved that; no, I was to sleep across the street.

So I went over there, and noticed as I was setting up my sleeping bag in the piss-smelling room my friend shared with his little brother, looking in disgust and a little pride at the huge urine stains on the underside of the little fella's bed, that Amber was staring at me shyly from her room, the door cracked just enough for me to see her unibrow and that she was not wearing a top. Awkward! I finished setting up and went to find Chet (that's what I'll call the neighbor boy, I only call one person on this blog by his real name) to see about playing lazer tag.

All went well until the parents left later on that evening, and Amber was making it apparent she wanted some of 12 year old Stevester's shaft inside her smelly love hole. She conveyed this by offering to play a game with us in which she would lay on the floor on her stomach, and Chet and I would take turns sneaking up on her and trying to mount her from behind. I noted with some chagrin that though she bucked Chet off like a wildebeest bucking a potential mate, she was opening her legs a little wider for the Stevester. This was making me feel strange, not unlike I felt when I was 5 or 6 and mounting my babysitter, but this chick was ugly. I am ashamed to say, you all, that that did not stop me. I can't even use the excuse Smeagol uses for marrying his wife, that "I was drunk off my ass niggie!"

It was about 10 o'clock, and for some reason instead of bunking in the room we originally planned to, the urine smell forced us out and into the living room. So there we were, telling dirty jokes and giggling like schoolgirls (which is actually how I fall asleep now, ask my wife) and Amber sneaks down. She informs us that she was going to let us both have her, but wanted to show me something first. Whatevs, son, whatevs, I follow her to the laundry room, where she turns and lifts up her nightdress to reveal her hairy snooter. Sadly, just like with my babysitter, this excited the Stevester, and she noticed my throbbing tiny wiener underneath my superman 2-sizes-too-small sweatpants. She smiled and walked back toward the living room, and I am more ashamed to say I followed.

Chet, and this is disgusting because he was her nephew, went right for the butt, plunging his little wiener in her shit hole over and over, which was kinda grossing me out. There was no way I was gonna go for her vag and risk touching cocks or balls with that nasty motherfucker, so I informed her I wanted her to suck the schlong. Well I will not go into details, but after that particular evening ended, I went back home, feeling like I would assume anyone would waking up next to some hideous beast, with what looks like jizz all over her mouth and a smile on her face, ugh....

Anyway, I figured I was off the hook, as she was going home to Oklahoma (to be on the range, I am guessing) and I would not see her again because Chet's family was moving to Harrisonville. I was partially right. About a week after she left, I got a letter from her. I should have thrown it in the trash, but what can I say? The Stevester ego would not allow me to pass up hearing how I satisfied another lady.

"Dear Stevester,

I just wanted to tell you how I felt. Sometimes I sit on the wall in front of the house and look through your window, and I cry because I want you so much (ugh). I loved having your dick in my mouth (ugh), and would like you to put it in other places the next time I come by. I have a car now, if I came up would you run away and come live with me in Oklahoma?


OK there was other stuff in the letter, about how just thinking about me turned her on, blah blah blah, friggin gross. I had planned on throwing the letter away, and of course never seeing her again, but she DID send along a NKOTB poster, so I kept that and let JJ read the note, in which I think he lost all respect for me, as she was quite hideous.

Shit but at least I didn't get hit by a fuggin Cadillac! LOL I mean am I right?! *crickets*

Screw you, judgemental jerks! I was 12! Any one of you would have mounted her and bragged about it over a Lunchable at school, just as I did!

Sorry about that outburst, you know I only hit you cause I love ya!

More later.

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