Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Raptor Most Wiley

Def Leppard Tattoo
mullet, handlebar mustache
Santa Caligon

So yesterday was JJ's birthday, we talked on the phone a few times, which is how I found out about Smeagol's fly ride, and this all got me to wondering: why has that raptor not contacted me? Let's look at some clues shall we?

Clue 1. Smeagol owes me money. This status on our relationship has not changed in about 15 years, and has not chance of changing any time in the near future, so I do not think this is it. I de expect him to call when he needs gas money, though, but history has shown when he gets a new car he likes to go around to all of the family and show off, and renew his life oath to never give my mother (who for reasons that will be detailed in a future post) is not allowed to operate anything stronger than a dildo on public streets.

Clue 2. Smeagol is ashamed of his job. This is probably the best reason, though he should know idf JJ knows everyone knows, and if he hadn't tried to cover it up by calling it his "second" job I would have nothing to even make fun of. The thought of Smeagol having shame, though, gives me some pause when considering this the likely culprit. He had no shame having his green thong on full display in front of any female I dared allow into our humble abode, and would routinely sit on the couch national Geographic style with his damn balls on display if I had the guys over to watch a game or something.

Clue 3. Smeagol's utilities are turned off. This is not only probable, but almost assured, as Smeagol has never had all of his utilities paid for at once, even after tax return, or what my family likes to call, "unpaid bill bailout" time. Smeagol would then go to my mom's house, though, so this one is out. He knows better than to overflow my toilet, and the thought of the Danlester stepping on his feet again and the giggling his raptor-grunts elicited must show him the err of coming to my home.

I know it is only a matter of time before he shows up, if only to ask me for a laptop and a copy of Diablo, which he has been asking for since I got my degree in computerotomy 7 years ago. I just don't know why he has not shown up yet. Has he somehow found the blog? Do I care? Has Will or the Tylester found him and simply pointed at him and laughed themselves sick, angering him and causing him to go back to his anger management classes to talk about the awesome destructive power of his rage?

No comments: