Rant

fried green tomatoes
Smeagol drowns in ranch dressing
slurps with no teeth, mmmm

Kid Gloves

So I show up for work this morning, ready to put my communications diploma to work wowing the customer with my excellent customer service and attention to detail!

Then the coffee wore off.

In moseys this lady who is a computer retard. Let us call her a "computard", a word I just made up. She has a Mac, which instantly sours my day and makes me aroused, for some reason. That reason could later be pinpointed because I had been tweaking my nipples all morning for no reason, but I digress.

"Duh duh you fix Stevester makey workey splghghbgh" She said, gurgling stupidity and spittle all over the front of her stupid shirt.(Editor's note: there is rampant exaggerations in here, but I was fucking annoyed.)

Anyway, she shits this 24 inch iMac, one of those space age looking things with everything built into the monitor, down on the table, naming each component in case I, like her, am retarded:
"THis is the computer, this is the mouse, this is the keyboard."

I am ready to punch her back into the stone age, when she says AND I QUOTE: "Be careful, this is a brand new computer. "

?


???


???!


What was I going to do to it if it was not brand new? In her warped retard mind would I have instantly disrobed, clutching my balls in one hand as I shot milky diahrrea all over her precious computer? Did telling me it was new in a condescending tone cause me to rethink hitting it with a sledge hammer? Did informing me that "...and it was expensive teehee!" dissuade me from thrusting my rock hard cock into each and ever orifice on her computer, leaning my head back in ejaculatory glee as I slit a kitten's throat and poured the innards into Greyskull's mouth as she watched hungrilly from the cage I had locked her in in order to watch such a special event?!

I apologise, that was friggin' nasty.

Why did she feel the need to tell me that it was expensive and that I needed to be careful? Why, if she was so damned worried about it, did she even bother leaving it with me? The way she looked at me when she told me to be careful would suggest she assumed I had never touched something this expensive before, and she wanted to make sure I did not immediately go pawn it. I should shove a finger into my own ass and wipe it on the screen, but I won't, because I assume that would hurt. Unless I was a chick, and then having stuff shoved up my ass would feel awesome.

Changing gears, our luncheon Friday with Lollipop, Will and P-Rit gave me an awesome idea. THis year the technology retreat is going to be at Lucky Strike, some gay bar downtown I think. It was posited that it would be awesome if I somehow showed up to ruin it like I ruined the last retreat I attended, and that I might wear the communications diploma on myself in some conspicuous way. Vote, and tell me what I must do.