steveshaikus: Smeagol's new ride

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Smeagol's new ride

Smeagol's fine kisses

makes you throw up in your mouth

cause he uses tongue

So Smeagol has finally paid his fly ride off. It is a 1992 Honda Prelude, according to JJ it has slightly more rust than actual body, maybe a hair less than 200000 miles on it, a prime automobile if ever there was one. I like knowing that it took him 8 months to pay off a 1500 dollar car, with all the money he is making at his "second" job and all, it is a feel good story for us all.

So the date is set, October 13 I think I will take at least Mom, Smeagol and JJ to Gates on 10th and State in KCK, if some of you should happen to show up that is out of my control, no snuggling with Smeagol Tylester and Will!

I leave you with a few photos, and the explanations... enjoy.

Alright, the first one is of me and the Bakelester. This asshat calls me upwards od 6 times a day to tell me about his tips. In the photo I told him we should take the ladies to the gunshow. As you can see I held up my end of the bargein (you're welcome, ladies), but he just points to his head. Thanks, choad.

Next up:

Let me start by answering a few of the questions that instantly pop up in your filth-infested minds: no his weiner is not resting on my finger. No I am not pointing at his man-junk. No I do not remember why I have such an orgasmic o-face going on. No we are not holding hangs while his junk rests on my finger. I only read Cosmo to see what chicks think and stuff. I have never tasted an appletini. I am not sure why I am also pointing at my own junk, or why the Tylester's grin seems so serene.

To the ladies though, the answer is yes, such a delicious slice of man pie IS available for your loving pleasure, and I know what you're thinking: "How could such a sensual man-beast bursting with virility be also available? He must be a pedophile", but the answer is a big, huge, pulsating negatory... the Tylester is a futuristic love-bot, sent back in time to teach one lucky woman the ways of love...

BTW, Tylester you now owe me 10 dollars. Get it out of Smeagol's thong, wash it off, and give it to me.

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Smeagol's new ride

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