Linoleum knife!
cuts like a rusty razor!
But can save the World!
I figured I would delve back into the victimless crimes that are the Gateway years, followed by the even better Cap years, great times all.
Horny old Lady
This was not a single person, this was a group designation. These old ladies would call, and spend the entire time trying to talk you into either free phone sex or coming out to live with them, with absolutely no idea what you look like or if you are Jeremy, who let me remind you, was sitting 2 cubes away, his gorgeous breasts glistening with sweat as he fumbled valiantly to remove the condom-like wrapper from his quickly suffocationg Snickers bar.
Anyway I would rather not get into specifics, but the thought of some old lady digging in her irrigation canal while asking me about hard drive specifications and can she get a floppy was enough to, sadly, give me a half mast while still disgusting me (what can I say, I'm a horndog, even thinking of Jeremy oiling up his manboobs almost got some movement....I'm so ashamed!)
The Reader
This was usually some older guy, and I know someo f you will blast me for this, but dammit if you're that fucking old get someone who was born within the last half century to call for you. These Oldie Oldersons will read every fucking thing on the box if you dare to ask a question that is more complicated than YES or NO, example time:
Me: "OK you old fart what OS are you using?"
Jaggoff: "Microsoft Windows XP Professional Edition Versio-"
Me (annoyed): "OK so Windows XP?"
Jaggoff: "No, Microsoft Windows XP Professional Editi-"
Me: "FuuuuUUUUCK!"
They also will read things that have nothing whatsoever to do with the reason they called, like they get you in a corner and will not allow you to answer the siren call of either alcohol or sweet, sweet death to not have to listen to their wrinkled lips crackle as they lubricate them constantly with that little lip smack old people always do...
Picture Painter
This is the guy (or gal) who has to set the mood and explain in excrutiating detail everything that is going on in their lives when all you want to know is if the damn power got plugged in...
Me: So is the power plugged in?
Idiot: Well when I was 11 I ate a pickle. It was delicious, crunchy without being overbearing, and then I noticed a fleet of German Panzer tanks attacking over the grassy knoll, almost taking out what looked like a wily raptor in a green thong trying to steal a lollipop from a kitten wearing a diaper, and losing the battle badly. I got car insurance throug GEICO and last night noticed a rash on my taint and wonder if it had to do with that 11 year old Laotion boy I have hired on as my gardener/ sex slave, or if it was the unsoftened leather that constitutes the bottom half of my S&M leather/steel spike studded thong?
Me:......so, no?
More Monday, I wrote this yesterday but for some reason BLogger was down and it wiped off half of my damn post... so lame!
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