Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Funky Sexmilk

naked chewbacca
donning a belt of justice
a ragtag douchebag

Sorry for the lack of postage the last few days. Wait, I'm not sorry. I am on vacation! Why am I even bothering to log in right now? I dunno, I love you guys!

Ah, so much happened I am not sure where to begin... wait, I know where to begin. As always, with Smeagol.

Apparently, Smeagol was not content to attempt to ruin my credit/life. Once his raptor mind came to kung-fu grips with the fact that I did not intend to help him, he turned his raptor sights on easier prey.... my cousin.

My cousin is a great kid. He is also just that - an 18 year old snot nosed punk that looks like Tiger Woods with corn rows. Hilarious. Anyway, we all love the little turd, he just got out of school, is new to the real world, and is trying to come up with enough money to move out on his own. He has a job at Target, and a flawed belief in the majesty of capitalism that somehow his job cleaning poorly spelled restroom poetry (which, truth be told, is where I get the inspiration for most of my haikus) will lead to a life of luxury with a little hard work. The fool!

Anyway, Smeagol swept down on his tiny matchlight of success like The Tylester on a PBR-guzzling nymphomaniac. Seriously, Tylester, my mom said quit calling her, she's too old for you. Smeagol calls my aunt's house to carry out his master plan, to ruin my cousin Vinny's credit once and for all! Mwaah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa!

My aunt said he called and was all like "Uh, hi, this is Smeagol, can I talk to Vinny?" She said it seemed weird, because Smeagol had never spoken to Vinny before, opting to grunt angrilly when VInny dared to initiate conversation with him or look his way. Total douche. So, like any human who knows of Smeagol, she said she put 2 and 2 together and knew at that moment that Smeagol intended to prey upon her baby, who was just starting to build up a decent credit score, and she could not let that happen.

"Listen, Smeagol, if you ever call my house again I am going to knock some teeth back into your nasty ass head" JJ will verify she actually said this and then hung up.

1 hour later, the phone rings again. Guess who it could be? Apparently, my aunt picked the phone up and before she could say anything, Smeagol asked if she was gone yet, assuming it was Vinny. What a douche!

Long story short, 4 calls later it was evident that Smeags was not going to be able to talk to VInny over the telephone. Now any normal person would have quit and tried to get a car another way. But not Smeagol! When the going got tough, the Permed got creative. Smeagol just happened to be there at my mom's house, laying on the couch in his baggy Speedo and letting everyone see that there was more than one kind of crack that emitted noxious fumes, when Vinny came over to visit. He was upon him like.... well... like a raptor on a bowl of kim chi!

He talks Vinny into going to do what he wanted me to do, because Vinny is a nice person like me who is too stupid to say no.

Here is the hilarious part, O non-thonged ones (if you are a thonged one, just act like you are not. I do not want to know)!

They get to the car dealership, and Smeagol has Vinny test drive the car and fill out the paperwork and everything. The guy starts asking Vinny questions, like where he works and for how long. It quickly becomes evident that Vinny has no intention or means to pay for this car, and the car dealer informs him of this. Smeagol, who I can only assume was napping wrapped up pretzel style in the chair next to him while JJ looked on in disgust, piped in and informed the dealer that "He's only signing the paperwork, it's actually for me, niggie (I added the niggie part to make it funnier), I can't get the car in my name because my credit is horrible and my hardship (yes his fucking HARDSHIP) license got taken away.... I'm so tired!"

At this point, the car salesman was looking at Smeagol, completely dumbfounded that this pet raptor talked for one thing, and that he was dumb enough to tell the truth like that for another. JJ said he tore the application up right in front of Smeagol and threw it in the trash. I will get a reaction from Smeagol and post here.

Also, Smeagol's court date was last night, here in the beautiful double-wide trailer that serves as our city hall. He called my mom to inform her that the bailiff called him to tell him court was cancelled and that he no longer owed them money. Guess what that means for Toboggan Boy?!

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