Thursday, June 12, 2008

JJ Jail hi-Jinks Mutherfuckerrrrrr!

a swollen river
swift current gives life clean slate
also kills rednecks

Alright first, posts are going to be shotty at best for a few weeks, because IT had to move to a conference room and my manager is sitting behind me with a perfect view of my monitor, and that is not conducive to engaging in the bloggetry you all know and love, but he's out today, so let's blog it up son!


So my youngest son just turned 2 on the first, and that Sunday we had a little get together to enjoy the love and happiness or whatever for his birthday. I was barbecuing the finest truck vendor meat money can buy, and everyone was having a good time. JJ was on his way, no doubt to have his anus handed to him in a spirited bout of fisticuffs.

After awhile I noticed that up the hill the Ferrelview police officer had someone stopped. I already knew it was JJ by the time his girl called, and grabbed the rodent dog to walk up nonchalantly. It's funny, I get up there and the cop is all putting his hand on the butt of his gun and going "Steven, you go home now, this is none of your concern" like I am going to rape him or something. He took both JJ and his girl to jail, and I went home and enjoyed their portions of the barbecue.

So we start getting the calls to go bail them out, and we all go through the same things we did with Smeagol: everyone trying to "outbroke" everyone else, when we all knew we were going to end up paying it, because that's what family is for. So, so lame.His bail is 800 bucks, so we come up with the requisite bail bond money since no one wants to throw 800 dollars down a well with the knowledge we will never get it back, and go to bail JJ out. Little did we know that he had warrants in Independence as well as Kansas City, so they released him and promptly re-arrested him and put him on a paddy-wagon to Methlab Heaven, Independence for short.

None of that is particularly funny. JJ's experience in jail, however, is a fascinating look into the very secretive life of the Ray County, Missouri prison system. I shall now shed some light on this so that if you ever get sent there you know how to react.

Apparently JJ was in a cell with 2 large bunkbeds, a nasty ass toilet right in between then with a little sinklet on the back of said shitter. A roll of smelly toilet paper rounded out their accommodations nicely. JJ had the unfortunate role of being the newest member of their cadre of incarceration, and thusly got the lower bunk by the toilet. This knowledge will come in handy in a few seconds.

Apparently the food at Ray County, while not bad, does not sit well with all the inmates. JJ said he would routinely be woken up at 2 and 3 in the morning and roll over to almost touch one of the other occupants' hairy leg, slightly uplifted as he tried valiantly to get the best positioning to allow faster flow of shit into and onto the toilet. How awesome is that, waking up to some guy either grunting like a mating bison or angrily hissing "OH GAWD!" while blasting the inside of the bowl with a thick, viscous coating of freshly churned chunky brown get on down?

What could be funnier than that? The talking. See, one of the inmates who would wake JJ up with his loud shitting would also want to talk to JJ for daring to wake up and make eye contact, informing him "Man I don't know if it's the lunch or the dinnah too but this breakfast is *SPPPPPLLLLUUUUURRRGGGLE SPLOP SPLORT* Fuggin killin' me.... oh, ugh...." great times, why would you want to leave a place like that?

Also, JJ is going to tell Smeagol that we want to buy him lunch, I will give details if you all want to randomly "show up" wherever we end up going (and by 'wherever', I mean Gates) and we can all sit around a table and laugh at him and then take turns throwing him to each other and sitting him on our laps while he grunts unhappily, his thong hanging loose as his slightly agape sphincter puckers out another weak ass fart, too loud to be SBD but not strong enough to actually break wind, more like bending it.

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