Monday, June 16, 2008


Hot sexy oil time!
munch down a bulldog's asshole!
Dances with Wolves sucked

Car chases, explosions, crappy station wagons.

So I figured I would do a short snippet on some of the highlights (lowlights?) of Toboggan Boy's 10 year oddyssey in crackotomy and related drugophenilia... as they had to do with cars.

After the Cavalier caught fire on Independence Avenue (we literally just got out and left it, great times) and the Duster got hit by the Metro (again, he just got out and walked away) Toby needed a fly ride, something that would transport the whole family, but not be nice enough the many dealers sticking it to his woman and kidnapping him would want to drive as collateral for him to pay off his crack debt. It would be almost a year until he got the lawnmower car we all know and love, and he had just gotten his taxes back. What to do? Spend the money on a decent automobile and make payments, while going to work and contributing toward a good and just society? Or go to one of the many used auto dealers on Truman road across from Elmwood Cemetary and pay cash for a 10-15 year old beater that was inexplicably cheap, trusting that the reason was because said car dealer did not know how much they could get for said car?


So Toby brought home a really pretty clean looking 1984 LTD Wagon, which would have been pretty cool but for the few glaring issues, those being
1) the car had just a hair over 200000 miles on it. It also made funny sounds whenever it was turned on, off or walked by
2) all of the speakers were blown out, and the driver's seat would lean back and to the right, in "gangsta" mode. TANGENT TIME! Why is it in order to be cool you have to look like you are completely mentally retarded? I remember Long John getting into the car, and at first being able to reach the pedals and wheel and see over the dash but FUCK THAT! He would tilt the seat back until he could only touch the pedals by stretching his body out, and lean the seat back so far the only thing he would be able to see was the crotch of the person in the back seat, which the entire time we had the car smelled of cottage cheese, pussyfunk and a lighter, more drug induced failure.

And what happened to this fantastic car, you might be asking? It got shot up. In what can only be described adequately in a full motion action scene, with John Goodman wearing a mustache playing my dad, Snoop Dogg playing JJ, Anthony Anderson playing me (even though I would not be in this scene because I had already moved out), and Courtney Cox in blackface playing Janet, this is how the whole thing went down:

They were in North Kansas City, way above their success ratio (I will explain how to calculate that in a future post), and they knew it. Toby was sure he had effectively lost Billy Bill, the most dangerous crack dealer in the region, and was just starting to pat himself on the back for getting some more crack that he had no intentions of paying for, no doubt yearning to get home to beam up to the Enterprise, which for some reason always meant stripping down to sexy skidmarked torn underwear and socks and running around the house looking for nonexistent items, like self esteem or pride.

And then they saw him.

Over the hill, and I can imagine this being played by a homeless wino quartet on their varying degrees of empty Nighttrain bottles, urine soaking the front of their tattered pantaloons as they whistled toothlessly at the night...wait what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, so Billy Bill comes over the hill, and apparently shot the windows out of Toby's car whilst JJ was in the back seat. Did he go to the cops, you might ask? With 400 dollars worth of crack?! Puh-leeeeaze! That Friday I got a call at my house by a Tobboggan Boy who had been kidnapped, and though I forgot what he said, I can still hear those homeless guys serenading the action sequence of that fateful day...

Later: More on the Lawnmower Car

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