Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Ah, therapy time
No, not jerking it again
that all comes later

Tomorrow is the day! Smeagol is going to come by for the first time in a year, and I have to come up with some kind of list of things I need to do. I already have on the list:

1. Get a picture of him in growl mode
2. try to record his voice
3. make sure I have an adequate supply of Febreze in case Mystery comes over (Smeagol, funnily enough never sits on the furniture, prefering to raptor crawl over the floor, which is not all that unlike My dog dragging her ass across the carpet after a good dump)
4. Get Smeagol drunk, but not so drunk he feels the need to sleep at my house (which means maybe 1/2 a wine cooler)
5. Somehow get Smeagol and Haggard in the same room together (and watch hilarity ensue)

If there is anything I missed, let me know. I told Smeagol I teach jujitsu on the weekends, probably nowhere near as well as a real jujitsu practitioner but we have fun and get all sweaty together, and he informed me that he might like to start going. How funny would it be trying to teach my young apprentices the art of raptor throwing? And does Smeagol have a natural advantage in that he is used to the wind blowing him about, and thus take our class over with his awesome powers of raptor? Things to consider.

Congrats go out to our newest Firm alumni, Thene, who broke the ties that bind and followed the golden breadcrumbs left behind by so many other ex employees of that place out of the Coven. I never really minded working at da Firm until Greyskull ruined it, which makes this all the more sad.

Also I was driving downtown, and as usual there was a homeless guy standing on the corner to broadway and 169. I'd like to know if anyone else puts as much emphasis on etiquette when in these incredibly awkward situations as I do, let me explain:

1. Stop light, I am first car right next to bum: This is the most awkward spot to be in. He looks right at you the entire time, and making eye contact will cause him to walk over and pester you. On the other hand, not making eye contact will cause him to go into a homeless rage, possibly urinating on or in your car.
Solution: Keep windows rolled up, pretend to be looking for something until the light changes, then hold up a dollar as you drive off and laugh)

2. Stop light, I am not the first car: I stare at the homeless man, trying to make eye contact. When he does, and starts bum-walking over, I drive off and flip him the bird. Good times.

3. Stop sign: I don't even slow down, but roll down my window and yell "Bum" at him as I drive by.

4. Stop sign, I am a few back in the line: I wait until my turn, and then of course still run the sign, but while I wait I turn the Air conditioning up and hold myself like it is chilly in my car, which it usually is because my air conditioner works awesome. Bonus points for laughing at said homeless man as he sweats and\or collapses because instead of drinking clean water at any of the numerous places such a need is plentiful and free, he drank Mad Dog and Thunderbird, working on his wine research.

Maybe more later, I also have to finish the Lilian Ray and Aziz Musa scams, if only for posterity's sake.


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