Friday, April 4, 2008

Friday Fun Time!

In lieu of a haiku, I would like to post the first romantic poem I wrote my wife. I was a young lad of 18, she was 11, we knew so little of the world, all I knew was that 4th graders were HAWT! Of course I kid, but here is the poem I wrote her that made her heart melt... enjoy

I Can Remember

Now every since I can remember I've been popping my collar
Popping popping my collar
Popping Popping my collar
And every since I can remember I've been working these hoes
Workin' workin' these hoes
and they better put my money in my hand

sigh and those were good times


OK, before I get into today's story, I would like to posit a thing or two:

1. Nerf is not the Tylester. While Nerf was homely, smelly, and borderline retarded (he wasn't, but I like that term so I use it liberally), Tylester is the pinnacle of manliness, with his chiseled abs, creamy strong thighs that could crack a walnut, manly chest and excellent taste in both clothes and beer.

2. I am not gay.

OK on to today's tale!

Fire control was a boring place. we had a little over 100 cameras to watch, and for the most part only 3 of them ever had anything interesting on them, those bein the 2 garage banks and the one on the rotunda of the town pavilion, which was the best camera both for the lunch rush, because that's when the bums would come in to either try to steal coinage from the fountain, bathe in the fountain, masturbate furiously in front of children, or commit any other crimes they felt we needed to see.

Nerf would usually take this opportunity to regale me of the many things he had done with random people, including the very rare homeless woman in that very Fire Control. It is an awkward proposition, to be sure, listening to another man's exploits, but even worse when he points out he committed sexy time with a homeless woman on the very chair you are sitting on, and you must forever from then on think of his naked, pasty ass gyrating in the chair you are sitting in, while some homeless woman's lovemilk leaked out all over the place..... actually that's kinda hot!

We had a lot of weddings in the Town Pavilion. These were both awesome and they sucked, much for the same reasons. We did get free food and got to look at both the hot chicks and the drunken groping that went on at every event, which was awesome. We also had less security and had to deal with keeping Iceman and his troop of loveable homeless banditos out of the catering area, which was near impossible because even though we told every party group not to open the doors, reminding them this is downtown Kansas City, they all inevitably did it anyway, and a clash, not unlike pirates of the caribbean, would ensue.

During one of these weddings, I remember it was an italian one because of all of the Anize or whatever it is called they were guzzling, it tasted like licorice and was awesome (hells yeah I drank on the job, if you had to sit there and think of Nerf naked bucking against some vagrant's anus in the chair you were sitting in you would drink too), I was watching cameras to make sure everything was kosher, and I saw Nerf heading into a back stairway that went to our own private bathroom. There was a rather homely patron of the reception with him, and I immediately turned the camera off as I was getting ED with every passing second thinking about what was about to transpire.

4 minutes later, Nerf moseys into Fire Control, smelling of ass and vag, which gagged me almost uncontrollably, and regaled me with the tale: apparently in exchange for 10 dollars, this young lady had let Nerf plunge her holes for a few minutes, and had accepted his sexy time explosion. I was disgusted, a little envious (no ladies ever wanted to engage in anonymous sexy time with the Stevester, EVER), and I must admit a bit awed at Nerf, who was basking in the afterglow by informing me he was going to go take a dump and create another D&D character.

The next day, Angela, one of the other guards, came into Fire Control and informed us that there was some stains on her shirt and pants that she had hung up in the locker room and that she was not going to put them on as they smelled... Eeeeeeewwwwwwwww.....

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