Friday, April 25, 2008

Stay away from me, you damn dirty Raptor!

I am McLovin'
the man, the myth, the cyborg
the Sherminator

Last Night

So I wanted to wait for my wife to send me the photo of Smeagol, because it goes with this post, but then I wouldn't be posting today because I am pretty sure she has been out spending my hard earned cash all day. No matter, let's begin.

Smeagol called last night to remind me that he would be coming up, and that he would be here around the time I got home. No biggie, I had a bunch of leftover bbq that was unfit for human or dog consumption, and as we all know as budding paleontologists raptors will eat stuff not fit for biodegredation. Smeagol would be helping me as well as helping himself to free food.

The raptor and Mystery showed up as Sami was leaving, and set right in with actually acting kind of like a normal couple, albeit an ugly one: Smeagol was playing with Daniel, fetching the dog's chew toy with his teeth and letting Daniel pull it from his jaws and throw it at him (I did not have the heart to tell him that it was a dog's toy, but the fact that it smelled like a dog's asshole should have tipped him off) and Mystery sat on the couch and stared off into space. I would like to note that she was sitting on my pillow, which my son had taken into the living room to lay on, and that warranted my lovely wife and I trading pillows last night. Do not tell her why, I haven't yet and I don't want her getting mixed messages.

Anyway, I got dinner ready while I had Smeags and Company create Mii characters on my Nintendo Wii. I must say Smeagol managed to find a face that was not far off of his. Mystery's was WAAAAAY off, and she misspelled her name.

Anyway, it always amazes me how Smeagol will go for days without food until someone lets him raptor theirs, and then he gorges, not unlike the camel(toe) about to cross the Gobi Desert. He ate like 2 hamburgers, 3 hot dogs, 2 bratwursts and 2 polish sausages, a plate full of fries and 3 scoops of ice cream. Holy shit! I was happy though, I am still mad at my dog over the Ham Steak Incident, though I should be more annoyed with my wife.

In the kitchen, I divert his raptor sense with a ninja virtual reality helmet I bought for my kid's birthday (friggin schweet!) and perform a spy act worthy of Mission Impossible 4. I take the camera, which is on top of the fridge, and move it to the top of the freezer, facing his direction, under the guise that I thought I had put a ham on top of the fridge. I then turned the camera on by awkwardly tripping over the freezer and hitting the button. Smeagol is still ensconced in the vr helmet, and his thong is bulging rhythmically to his cluelessness. I then go "Haagen-Daas" to mask the sound of the picture being taken, and get a pretty decent photo of him.

I like to point out here that up until he left and the events that transpired after that, I did not even want to post the photo as he seemed to be genuinely trying to change, and I had thought (erroneously) that he was turning over a new leaf.

Anyhoo, we get done, and Smeagol informs me it was a nice visit, but he had to get along, as raptors are not technically allowed after dark, due to their increased cloaks of failure and upgraded physical combat prowess. He begged me for 10 dollars, which I gave, since I had it and could afford to lose it, and they raptor into their car and leave. I go inside to grab the febreze and to urine treat the couch (hey it's the only way to counteract the infection of Mystery's goo filled thong, which she also wears, though I have no idea what color it is she gets no end of pleasure in telling people about how it itches in her asshole) and get a phone call. I have Roadrunner and so see the number for "Raptor, Smeagol E." come up on the television.

Apparently, the village cop had been going around, randomly checking tags for cars he did not know, and had gotten Smeagol's tags. I assume the only reason he did not come in to get Smeagol was because the computer was still printing out the arrest record 40 minutes later as they were leaving. I walk out onto the deck and see him over on the other side of the block, looking with hungry eyes as Law & Order's greatest nemesis raptor bobbed into his POS car that was 7 years older but strangely enough 2000 dollars more expensive than my car.

When Smeagol pulled away from the curb, the village cop swooped on him, and stopped him 2 blocks away. Mystery calls me on the phone and is all like "Duh, you need to start walking this way to come get me and the car, Smeagol is going to jail/"

Monday - Part 2, Wherein I have to go to bail Smeagol out Twice Because he is a Piece of Shit.

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