Wednesday, April 2, 2008

An Open Letter, and a Theory

sweaty overpass
glass tickles sweltering street
Why's it so damn cold?

Open Letter to Mr. Attorney

Dear Mr. Very Strange Attorney Guy,

I would like to take this opportunity to touch on a few issues I had with our very brief encounter in the men's restroom the other day. I know this may come as a shock to you, but Larry Craig is to be incarcerated, not emulated. Let's begin.

Issue #1: If you go into a restroom with numerous urinals in it, and see someone at the one the farthest away from the door, do not walk up and down the line of urinals while digging in your pocket for god knows what. Take a urinal, preferably the one the farthest away from the other occupant. Standing rigtht behind someone playing pocket pool, no matter how many times it works in the young Thai hooker boy porn you watch in your office, will not work here.

Issue #2: If you insist on taking the urinal right next to said man, do not accidentally touch his foot with yours while you are getting into your pissing stance. This is not Kindergarten, you do not have to lift your shirt up and spread your legs like a gay linebacker (no that does not make sense but screw you!) to go wee wee. Touching another man's foot in a public restroom signals that you are not only gay but you are hoping he is too. See my post on touching a man's leg under the bathroom stall for more information.

Issue #3: I can see every one of your furtive glances my way out of the corner of my eye. One glance can be considered normal or your curiosity getting the better of you. 3 or 4 looks is sexual molestation. Let me spell it out for you: yes, it is true what they say. No, that does not mean I will show you my little weiner. And no, just because I saw you glancing at me and did not hit you does not mean I am accepting your gay proposition.

Issue #4: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT zip up quickly and leave the stall the same time I leave mine and walk over to the sink next to mine and try to make small talk after you molested me with your eyes.

And in closing, die.

Thank you,


A THEORUM on The North American Smeagol

So I was sitting on the can, playing Fight Night Round 3 while working on my weight loss plan (I lose almost a pound a day that way!), and I was thinking of how Smeagol came to be. I remembered how reptiles cannot withstand dramatic climate changes, and how my mom needs at least 4 blankets, sometimes even int he summer? Then it hit me: at some point, my mom was brutally molested by a gnarled toothed reptile, hell bent on creating a being of failure so powerful, it could rock the very orbit of the Earth, sending us toward global warmind, natural disasters on an unheard of scale, and George W. Bush. I know my theorum is not completely hashed out, heck I quit thinking about it as soon as I finished crapping, but hear me out, I might have something here:

Smeagol is not unlike the Highlander. If you look at ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics, behind Ra, Annubis, Osiris, etc, you can usually see a being gnawing on what looks like an ancient amphibian. If you look at ancient Celtic and Anglo-Saxon lore, you will see Smeagol as Loki, the god of mischief, who was also known in those times as the God of Failure, known to sweep his "Halberd of Failure" amongst those known to be prosperous. So feared was Loki (Smeagol), that every January 11th, the rich would pretend to bee poor and everyone would sleep an entire day off, this was known as Raptor Day.

He was at JJ's the other day, and when JJ remarked that I had been trying to get ahold of him he told him his phone had not been ringing... nice.

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