Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Smeagol: A Comparison

I heart Steely Dan
Not so much the dildo part
That's my dad's old realm

Smeagol: Sexy time comparison

I spoke to Smeagol last night. You may all ask if I got on his case about the money he owes me or why he was such a douche to my sister (I will get to that all in good time) when she called him a few days ago, but no. You can ask Haggard, I want to see the good in everyone. You may think you are the first one to ask "If your family is such crap, why do you still stay in contact with them?" And to that, dear readers, I have no answer save this: If you have a racehorse that has let you down numerous times, finishing last due to frequent naps, smoking crack, stealing dildos from it's job, running around outside completely naked, shitting in plastic Wal-Mart bags and hanging them from tree branches, or any of the other things crappy horses do, sure, sure, you should stop supporting said horse. But for people like me, that is the only horse you have, the only one you have ever bet on, and though you know you could make money elsewhere, you don't, and you do not know why. Do you all understand? Good, glad that's out of the way.

Man my analogies kick ass.

Anyhoo, my sister called Smeagol on her birthday to talk to him, assuming after 14 years he would have calmed down about the Trans Am hood incident, and they might be more cordial, not unlike the cherry, lathered in a much too sugary cream sauce, covered in brown chocolatey goodn- wait, no that is not a very good metaphor.

So I give her the number, and apparently she called him, he picked up, asked her if she had the money to replace the car, and when she said no hung up on her, probably content to not speak to her for another 14 years.

Back to the entire gist of this post, I spoke to Smeagol, and I asked him if he felt like coming by the house sometime, and offered to let him rifle through my deep freezer for free food. Of course, free food to a practicing North American Raptor cannot be denied, especially since I still had some corned beef and cabbage fermenting in the freezer from St. Patrick's day, I bet he could smell it. I got to thinking, maybe it would be cool to come up with some pros and cons on the subject of Smeagol, and maybe then I would understand why I even bother associating with him. Haggard has said in the past it's because I am a glutton for punishment, see if you feel the same way once you read through these:

1. Pro - Smeagol works booty ass overtime, which would be awesome if the reason wasn't simply because he fell asleep at work and only clocks out once a week.

Con - Every time, and I do mean EVERY time, Smeagol comes by my house he hits on my wife, telling her she needs to leave me and get with a real man. Is it not ironic that a raptor is telling her this? She always answers that if he ever sees a real man, point him out and she will consider it, which sounded funny until I just realized she is insulting me. Dammit!

2. Pro - Smeagol is very adept at building 700 dollar remote control cars.

Con - Smeagol's breath could take the varnish off of a house at 500 paces.

3. Pro -Smeagol....uh...loved cleaning the grease traps and will do the most disgusting jobs with glee.

Con - Smeagol has hit on ladies I have had to work with whilst human shit was plastered all over his shirt, just barely masking his breath.

4. Pro - Shitty car dealers love Smeagol.

Con - His perm.

5. Pro - Smeagol claims to be a devil with the ladies.

Con - His nails.

6. Pro - Uh....shit....

Con - Smeagol likes to go along with me and my brother all the time and sleep in the back seat of the car, no matter who else is in said car, and allow his sphincter to loosem, causing a steady stream of the worst smelling gas imaginable to slowly fill the car, and said gas is impervious to the valiant efforts of the wind to placate it's stench.

7. Pro - ......hmmmm.... Oh I know! Smeagol is apparently great with kids. He is loving, attentive and kind to them.

Con - I am almost certain when I lived at his house and a lady was goodly enough to go to the L.A. Forum Smeagol stood at the bottom of the stairs and rubbed his thong whilst listening for any humping noises.

8. Pro - In Smeagol's thong there could be a strain of bacteria that is the cure for cancer!

Con - In Smeagol's thong there probably is a strain of bacteria that causes cancer!

More later...

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