Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Fun and assorted shit

dog shit in the field
a running man, hey look out
white short shorts, ruined

For true fun, follow these handy tips:

1. WHen you get those "prescreened" offers from credit card companies in the mail, take their shit out of the envelope, stuff it in their return envelope they send out, and include a picture of Jeremy, I will include so you can copy:

2. While in the store, if the person in front of you is gabbing on a phone about personal stuff too loudly, start rubbing your crotch and moaning softly while looking at him or her. Much funnier if they are the same sex.
3. When stopped at 7th and Quindaro or another area in which crime seems to be the only viable export, play either "It's Not Unusual" or "She's a Lady" and blast it. Then flip them off as you drive away.
4. If you are in a restroom at a mall or movie theater, it is acceptable, nay, imperative, that while you shit you grunt, moan and pray as loudly as you can. This not only lets people coming into the bathroom know that one of the stalls is occupied, but also helps to push the shit out a little faster.
5. If you are going to hang out with friends and a raptor attaches itself to you with it's symbiotic thong, the only way to break free from it's clutches o' failure is to successfully get the phone number from someone of the opposite sex. Tough to do that's why I don't go out much.
6. If you are going to manufacture some New England Man Chowder, no one will notice if you close all the curtains and block all the doors in your living room for 4 minutes and then go outside to hit your punching bag. There will be even less suspicion if this occurs while your significant other is still pulling out of the driveway and your kids, who had just been grounded, are suddenly allowed to go outside. Someone told me about this.
7. If you are plagued by a North American Stinking Mystery, it is perfectly acceptable to spray Febreze directly on her, as most of it evaporates on contact anyway, it's more like "no harm, no foul"
I will add more later, including "Steve's Romance Tips" for those of us that have a little trouble getting the ladies, with such time tested rules as "if you can't blow ass in front of her, she ain't worth taking home when the car is much closer", and "If her neck has a lump, it takes more beer to hump" and my all time favorite: "bending over the toilet to throw up is the same thing as asking for anal", naw I'm kidding on that last one (sorry Will).
Anyhoo, I know last week was a bit of a letdown with Smeagol, the Tylester will vouch for me though I was otherwise engaged... Smeagol will be by tomorrow...and now I have a bit of a dilemma: I have not been to karate for a little over a week. I need to go to start getting ready for tournament, sparring and whatnot. If Smeagol comes over it is highly unlikely that I will be able to unraptor my home in time to go defeat lesser trained denizens in unarmed combat. What do I do, would you:
A) Go to karate, why would you stay home and deal with that piece of crap?
B) Why are you even considering karate, you have a chance to humiliate Smeagol by posting his photo for all of us to see!
C) I am Benson Hunter, I am going to get the CTU on you.
I dunno, it is a tough decision.
More tomorrow.

No comments: