Thursday, April 3, 2008

Iceman's Spy

we weave tangled webs
Smeagol gets caught up in them
success, smeag's quagmire

So when I worked as security downtown, we had a multitude of strange characters. We had Iceman, who would only eat out of the trash, we hade the guy who showered either nude or in his little denim miniskirt and high heels, we had the bum who hopped from foot to foot once he saw a cup of change in my car and who tried so hard to get the money I threw towards the gutter while I tried to peel out and shoot snow, ice and gravel all over him. These were all good times, and I enjoyed sharing these stories with my cohort in the Fire Control Room, Nerf. Nerf was a nice enough guy, a bit overwiehgt, like me, a bit homely, like me, but only because he had bright red hair and it was almost always unkept or shaven , save for his Lief Ericcson (I know that's not the correct spelling, but if you read my blog regularly you know I do not care) beard.

I never knew he was a super spy for Iceman, though he gave me clues. Clues like "Hey Steve, I am a secret spy for Iceman", which was how he greeted me... hmmmmm.... no I kid, but he did have some signs.

Nerf had an odor issue. Like I said, I liked the guy, he was awesome! But sometimes he would smell should I put this.... asssssssssss. He remarked a few times that people assumed he was a homeless person because of his homely looks and bad smell. He enjoyed creating D&D characters, which is cool, but he really enjoyed bragging about their attributes and characteristics to me all the time, though I have never played the game and had no fucking clue what a mardric mage's +4 constitution was or why it apparently made him dry hump the back of my chair, which was not cool.

I say Nerf was a spy of Iceman's for a multitude of reasons:

1. They smelled alike.
2. They were never in the same place at the same time. If Iceman was jerking off in the fountain again (he did it so often we had a code for it, "Mr. Freeze") and I dispatched Nerf to take care of it, Iceman would disappear right as Nerf came into view of the camera.
3. Though they did not look alike (Nerf was white, fat, and had red hair; Iceman was black, skinny, and had salt and pepper dooky braids), they had the same mannerisms, the same homeless-guy-drunk pimp walk... I will demonstrate for anyone who would like to see...
4. Women shunned Iceman and Nerf alike, even homely women, which was hilarious to see.

The final reason will be posted sometime in the future, just wanted to introduce you all to a new character in the sitcom that is my life. Speaking of my life, vote, whores!

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