Monday, April 14, 2008

The Move (Greyskuuuuullll!)

darkened sunglasses
Not quite pecs, but not quite breasts
summer, I'm ready

The Fuckin' Move

I begin my walk of shame, looking sheepishly at the Derks and at Max, and begin gathering my things. I knew at that moment all of the awesome was being taken from me, and I cried on the inside. Santa was to take my old desk, and JasonP seemed cool too, so it was a sad, sad day when I moved. Will had moved on to the Apps team, due to his ass kissing ability (I ain't kidding, I am completely incapable of kissing ass enough to get a raise, but for some reason I do not fault Will for doing that) and Damon was gone. I thought I heard a gentle whisper of Journey playing as I moved my things, but it was quickly quashed by Flanders dry humping my leg, telling me how excited he was to learn new and exciting things and how we were gonna be bestest buddies in the whole world and how he loves hanging out with Mr. Jesus.

I tell you, all of my creative juices dried up sitting there. I no longer had the iron grip on awesome I had erroneously assumed I would until the end of my days. Flanders was a fucking idiot. He would ask inane questions, like "Hey Steve this guy says he cannot get his printer working, I know you told me the fucking answer a few fucking seconds ago and wrote it down and published a ticket and jammed your finger up your ass and wrote the answer in your own goddamn blood and shit all over the carpet, but I am just not sure if 'turn the printer on, dumbass' or 'make sure the printer is installed, mongoloid' would help in this instance. He says the printer is not powered on and it is brand new and thus not installed.... what do you think?"

These questions would haunt me for days, weeks, months afterward, as they got more and more stupid. He also needed constant attention, and would tell me that it made him and Jesus sad when I did not talk to him. Let me explain something. I have a second degree black belt in the k-rat. I have a recomended brown belt in jujitsu. While arrogance are not implied with such ranks, I no longer feel the need to be nice to someone I do not particularly like, and have begun to live my life like that. I know it sounds shallow and rude, but if you will look nto my eyes you will see that the Care-o-meter is still reading 0.

This chemical imbalance in my brainicle has led to some awkward situations. I no longer feel the need, even if we are making eye contact, to speak to someone I have dubbed an idiot. Working in tech support this makes life kinda tough. I had dubbed Flanders an idiot not long after he started. In all honesty, he was a nice enough guy, but his penchant for turning every conversation towards the Almighty (Me: "Nice weather out" Flanders: "God likes weather...") quickly got on my nerves, though Derka and Max got the far worse alternative, sitting next to Giggles McFatass, who would spend his entire day walking up and down the cube farm, giggling for no reason at all, and fellating Greyskull (yes I know you cannot fellate a girl. I don't know how to make a verb out of cunnilingus. If you can, fuck you) as he told her in great detail everything he had done the night before, completely wasting time yet somehow getting great employee reviews while I managed the damn document system and got a 1.3% raise. What the fuck is 1.3%?! She told me straight up the reason why is because I would not suck the mayonnaise off of her vag lips while she queefed all over my face, and the reason "other employees", which meant Flanders and Santa, got the full 4% was because they were willing "to play ball", or "play ball with management", or "play with my balls" I dunno I wasn't listening.

I know a lot of you are thinking "Hey Stevester, if you had just played ball a little bit life would have been a lot easier!" and those who are thinking that obviously did not know Greyskull or are named Will. Greyskull was not unlike a fat Terminator. She felt no pain, and lived only to bring annoyance and destruction down upon the helpdesk. That's what she does. That's ALL she does!

1 comment:

Natasha said...

"Giggles McFatass"

Nice. New favorite nickname for it.