steveshaikus: Things Kids Say

Monday, May 5, 2008

Things Kids Say

Taste the ambrosia
Sunlight glistens on window
This....is PBR

So I know you all only care about Smeagol and his exploits, or Toboggan Boy, but I figured I would share a few of the funnier things my darling children have said, if only as a tiny reprieve from the cloak of failure with it's aura of self-loathing...

"Poop is just farts you can see!" Said by my middle son yesterday while I dropped a deuce after he walked in and started bothering me by talking... Hello?! Do you not see the Dilbert book in my hands?

"Daniel is like a dog that we don't put a leash on" saod by my middle son about my youngest son, Daniel, while he was eating God friggin knows what off of the floor, right next to the dog, who was also lapping that crap up... that night, I didn't let either of them kiss me.

"My name is Matthew and this is Michael and that is Daniel and our mom isn't here and my dad has a big penis." Told by my oldest child a few months ago at the checkout line at Walmart. That got them all free ice cream, who says you can't train kids!

"Hey look Dad, I'm a dog too!" My middle son again, while hunched over in the yard right by my dog, in the same position, doing the same thing. I would have been disgusted to have a kid crap in my yard, but my dog turned around and ate it so it's all good...

"Uncle Smeagol's breath almost made me die!" Middle son again, are you seeing a pattern here?

"I like punching people in the penis, it makes them make funny faces!" Ask Will which one said that...

"Mom's penis is hidden in her butt!" Middle son again, after walking in on her in the shower...

"Daddy me poop!" My youngest son, exitedly over the phone this morning. When I saw him, he said it again, and just in case I was not sure where "poop" comes from he grabbed his ass a few times to help his dear old dad out.

"Hey, when you fart you're supposed to shake hands, you know." My oldest... I love filling their heads with absolute nonsense...

"Fag! Cock!" My oldest son, his first 2 naughty words, great times, he was mimicking me as I insulted Wyatt Earp.

More tomorrow...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Whoever owns this blog, I would like to say that he has a great idea of choosing a topic.; May 16, 2008 at 12:46 AM

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Monday, May 5, 2008

Things Kids Say

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