Friday, May 23, 2008


retarded batman
Mystery in a black mask?
well, you be the judge

Smeagol's Anger Management

Have you ever seen the movie "Mystery Men"? In it, Ben Stiller plays a demi-super hero named Mr. Furious. His super power is that he gets angry, but he has no fight to back that anger up. I cannot watch that film without giggling like a schoolgirl when he says stuff like "People who chew with their mouths open....make me furious!" And then with a loud battle cry gets his ass kicked by some generic henchmen.

The year? 1998. I was still living with Smeagol, I had no girlfriend, and was a little down, mostly because even though I had a car, a job, and bathed regularly, JJ could still pull chicks any time he wanted and I could not. Smeagol was working at Burger King with me, which was depressing in itself because people would come in and put money in his shoe as he slept and ask me if he was homeless, and after I told them that I did not think he was homeless and had no idea who he was he would come up and be all like "heyyyyy brother! Look what I found in my shoe! Lunch money!"...anyway this is not the gist of my post, it just still pisses me off that I was such a loser and for no good reason.

Anyhoo, Smeagol was in the process of attempting to get his kids back, which was seriously not cool, I mean that is not funny at all, but the things he had to do were hilarious. One of those things was going to anger management classes.

Just in case you are not sure, anger management classes are as close as you can get to being a complete and total bitch without actually being one. Nothing has ever made me want to randomly start kicking asses as much as listening to these balding, overweight fucking losers talking about how their rage frightens people and how they had to physically stop themselves from assaulting random people from road rage and how they have had to live with their powerful rage and emotions for blah blah blah. It would be so great if one of these losers tailgated me and tried to kick my ass, I would act all gay and then beat the crap out of them because anger management also seems to be code for homophobe as well. I am serious, dudelies (toboggan boy calls us that all the time), for what looked like a room full of homos a lot of their complaints centered on men "trying to undress me with his gay eyes" or some such shit...

Anyway apparently Smeagol brought out the homophobe even more, as during these sessions they would make their little stupid comments and then glance quasimenacingly at Smeagol, who was usually asleep or on his way there, polluting the room with his sleepulence (check lexicon for definition).

I said all this to set the backdrop, but Smeagol's part of the session was the absolute best.

"I hate when people call me Bob, I just get so angry I wanna oooOOoOOOOOh ssssssshit niggie!" He'd say, fidgeting in his seat like a raptor gone wild. The way everyone looked at him was, quite frankly, the same way I was looking at all of them. It would have been hilarious if they had started laughing, slapping his perm around and tossing him from person to person, but it was almost as funny to see them look at him the same way you look at a retarded person as they tell you they read Great Expectations as he told them about howhe wanted to rip random people limb from limb, for calling him "ma'am" at fast food joints to being randomly insulted by homeless people as he raptored by, like you do not believe a word the person is saying but just smile and nod your head anyway. It was completely pathetic:

"Sometimes I get so angry and I feel it bubbling up inside of me (that's called flatulence, Smeagol) and I just have to release the pressure, that's when I go out and mow the lawn with my scythe and my cutoff shorts, looking like a gay reptilian Grim Reaper, and I swipe at the gras but it resists and I get even angrier. I don't know what to do niggie!"

Most of that sentence is fabricated, but he did tell them he mowed the lawn with a scythe when he was angry, and the image of a raptor mowing a lawn with a scythe and a bad perm makes me want to laugh right how...

Anyway, more on his sessions Tuesday, right now he is at JJ's house, and he just informed them he was planning to stay through the weekend, meaning he no longer has gainful employment. No idea where Mystery is. When does someone go from being a houseguest to trying lo live there?

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