Friday, May 16, 2008

Gateway calls

Lookit dat booty!
jiggles so deliciously
rumbles in my mouth

So I figured I would take a small reprieve from insulting Smeagol (I know, I know), Toboggan Boy, Mystical Retard, and the rest of the Goof Troop to give you some down home fun calls I took whilst at Gateway.

I began working at Gateway as a young technician, new to the world of idiocy and naive about the workings of the below average computer user. Don't get me wrong, if you know nothing about computers I am the first one to help, but don't be a total douche while I am working on YOUR computer, mmkay Jimmy?

1) the "I am a network Administrator" idiot. This is the caller who usually has 3 or 4 people listening in on the call, they call you and ignore everything you tell them, because "I am the network administrator and I make (insert probably twice what he actually makes) a year, I know when something is broken!" I loved these calls because usually if you have to tell me you are a high paid network admin, you usually aren't, I mean I know a lot of NAs that would rather people think they are janitors (I kid, but you get the point).

My favorite NA call was this lady who was pissing and moaning because she had hooked up her router to her pc and blah blah blah, I looked up the details and for a high dollar network administrator why would she be running all this stuff off of a media PC? Hmmmm.... whatever, I don't get paid enough to care. I ask her if she has done the usual, power cycling the router, powercycling her Cable modem (yes that's what she had by this time I was pretty sure it was her home pc but as I said I don't care), and I get to the first thing that a brain-dead retardotroll wouldn't know to try. I ask her if she had renewed her IP address.

You would have thought I had asked Smeagol how to improve my credit score and be more successful at work. She was all like "I don't know how to do that and don't you get all techie with me I know that is all just babble for 'you don't know what you're doing' (so?), just replace this stupid thing!" Whatev, ho, whatev. I walk her through bringing up a command prompt and running ipconfig /renew, and whaddya know? It works! I give her my contact information, the whole while you can tell she is sulking because she is not getting anything free, which means I won the call (yay!) and I am being as douchey sounding as I possibly can while rambling on...

Me: "Mmkay so if you need to call me for anything else or need more help troubleshooting issues such as this give me a call at 1-800-bla-blah and I will be happy to help. My working hours are 1PM to 10PM Central Standard Time, and-"

Her: "Don't get all technical with me I don't know what Central Standard Time is!"

Me: " you have a clock?"

Her: "Yeah, it says-"

Me: (realizing she is retarded) "OK will it says here that you live in Iowa, mmkay? That is in what is called the CENTRAL STANDARD TIMEZONE... so in essence I am here from 1 until 10PM in the same time zone..."

She hung up after that, but really, what the hell? And that's not the only retard NA, why am I still working in technical support if you can become an NA simply by maintaining a pulse through the interview?

Monday: Maybe some more Smeagol, maybe some more Gateway, depends on how I roll.

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