Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A Groovy Kind of Love

Have a donkey punch!
Bust a crumpy you damn jerk!
Urban lexicon!

Toboggan boy was in trouble.

He had quit one job because they had tried to get him help, and I know I spoke on this before but let me fuckin' reiterate: Toboggan had a great job. He worked about 4 blocks from the house, making a very decent wage, and with an Aldi's close by we used little to no gas EVER. He got off work at 3, was home by 3:05, and we had food to eat all the time.

When the crack came, his job, where he had worked for 13 years and actually had great repore with (I don't know how to spell repore, but I ain't French either) with all of management, found out about it with a random drug test of the crack smears all over his face. Instead of firing him outright and posting his face in the paper next to the caption: "Sux Dix 4 Crak", they told him they would pay for rehab and as soon as he was better he could come back.

This part still sickens and delights me at the same time. He goes: "I got morals! I can't stop and I won't stop! I quit!" Ensuring he would never qualify for unemployment even. Ah, the love of a crack fiend, it is a fickle mistress. He got a job working at Long John Silver's, which would have been cool if he had shared any of the stolen food with us, but I am sure the reason he did not was because he was worried we may have shellfish allergies and not because his dealer enjoyed crabcakes and hush puppies with his blowjobs for crack. I am not even sure what the hell happened on "the enterprise" as we called it, or the room in which Toboggan Boy and Janet would go smoke crack all the time and lift off of this planet, but I am pretty sure there were numerous blowjobs administered while Toboggan masturbated under a comforter in the corner, darkened by the shadows, sobbing uncontrollably.

Anyhoo, things quickly went from bad to worse. Tobs (toboggan boy, I am too lazy to keep typind his whole name, so for today it is Tobs or Toby, because that is a funny name) would watch Janet eat, sleep and shit (literally) and would constantly brag about how great her pussy tasted, not even stopping whilst we ate our daily ration of week old cinnamon rolls and scrambled eggs (I know that sounds like a decent meal, but we ate that at least 5 times a week, the other two days it was nacho cheese doritos and hamburger with cheese in it) and wondering if that was in fact our last meal.

It was at this point I had had enough. Toboggan Boy was a fucking loser and had no aspirations other than to lick the skids out of Janet's underwear, and her constant sucking of snot through her nasal cavity was fucking grossing me out. I mean it was a real nasty sound, listening to her swallow all that crack vapor and snot...

So before our final confrontation, I decided upon a less violent approach. I had a buddy at school, let's call him Stan because that's his real name, who had a great big house with food and central air and parents who cared. I let him know what was going on and his mom was all like "we have enough cash and love for one more, even if he is a negro!" And with that, I moved in. I must say life there was great for the 2 or 3 days I was there...I ate food, I went to school, I played video games without Fatso resting a tit on my shoulder while he wheezed bacon grease and let me know he was keeping tabs on when his turn would be, and the multitude of mice and shit that would try to infiltrate my dirty sleeping bag at home was all in the past.

Tomorrow: The conclusion!

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