Thursday, May 1, 2008

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was Mis-ter-y!

swallow that jizz, girl
pull out of that donkey, mate!
I love the movies

The title of this post should be sung to that song that goes "Dontcha wish your girlfriend was, hot like me"... then throw up.

So I often get the question (well, from Will and Max anyway) as to why a sexy thing like Mystery is making the lovehumps with a raptor. I am sure they think they have more to offer than a cloak of failure and halitosis, but let me explain.

I dunno if you all know this or not, but even if she was hot, Mystery is a jerk. I am not 100% sure why, you would assume being homely would cause you to try to develop your other traits in a bid to attain friendship or even sexy time, but not the case with her. She is not terribly bright, oftentimes answering the door when random police and bail bondsmen come by, and with Smeagol lounging in his thong in plain sight tell them he is not there, and is constantly trying to put other people down.

What always struck me as hilarious was when Smeagol would have her call her mom to ask for money for various things, not like food or gas or lime to hide the stench emanating from his gnarly jowls as various bacteria and fungi battled in quasi-physical combat for control over the stink-rich fields of funk in his mouth that can ruin your day as they melt through all obstacles you place in front of them like an unstoppable rebel force....wait what the fuck am I talking about?

Oh yeah Mystery. Smeagol would have her call her mom and ask for money for his NWO and WWF football jerseys he bought all the time while watching those coinciding shows on the tv. You would surmise that this is because he planned on buying food or other essentials with his paycheck, and you would be wrong. Smeagol + responsibility = Nuclear winter and eradication of all hope and dreams.

Mystery's mom would always come through, and it was not until I met her and found out by listening to Mystery babble incessantly to her cat that she had in a headlock that the only reason she constantly loaned them money that to this day has not been paid back was because the alternative was much, much worse. When Smeagol assumed he was moving up the social sexytime ladder and threw Mystery out, her mom informed the wily raptor that he owed her over 5000 dollaruskies, a fact that he promptly ignored while being a failure in someone else's life. The reason she did that was because Mystery, with no where else to go, went to live with her mother, and this must have driven her to drink with the perserverance of a leper attempting to jerk off while his fingers fall uselessly to the floor where a monkey picks them up and throws them at children. Not a fun time.

I remember once her mom bought me 3 or 4 playstation games (PS one had just come out) and I was unsure why and who this ugly ho was. Smeagol informed me that she was trying to buy me being nice to her ugly daughter. I sent the games back, after I played the crap out of them, that is. Stupid Tomb Raider.

I always get a small ping of guilt when I insult Smeagol or Toboggan Boy or Mystical Retard, because I genuinely care for them and with the exeption of the raging Smeagol they are doing better. Not so with Mystery. If I could implement smell-o-vision and put the crotch of her leggings on here you would all be in my court, no doubt.

More tomorrow... prolly some more Smeags but I dunno.

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