A dead man walking
The Den of the Raptor Calls
Green thong scent beckons
First, I would like to offer a heartfelt apology for not posting every day. It is not that I don't have stories anymore, it's that this silly job keeps me busy as a dung beetle in Smeagol's thong after chili con carne night!
So yesterday at work I get a call from JJ. Apparently Toboggan Boy had about 10 dollars to feed everyone, as there was no food in the house, and he spent that on beer. Once the beer was consumed, he looks at JJ and asks "so, what's for dinner?"
I would like to point out here that I think it is hilarious that Toby is the dad, and is asking his son where his next meal is going to come from. It may not be funny to anyone else, but dammit it is funny to me!
Anyway, JJ has no money, and I told him to come on up, I will give him some cash and fill his belly, hell if it wasn't for family when I was broke I would have starved long ago, so I know how it is.
So JJ shows up with a cadre of people, no biggie I have plenty of food, and they have a buffet going in seconds. I give him 50 bucks, and let me jump off topic here. I dont mind giving JJ money, even though I know for a fact that I will never see that money again, because I know he is going to spend it on food, or gas, or whatever he borrows it for. Smeagol, not so much. I remember Smeags begging Mystery's mom for cash to buy food or something and then spending it on Hot Wheels or acid to kill some of the banana hammock barnacles his thong sometimes got, and then if there was 10 dollars or so left he would buy himself a value meal and eat it while the rest of us went hungry.
Anyway, JJ calls me this morning to tell me how Toboggan Boy reacted when he got home with money and gas in his car. It's hilarious, but Toby had told him that there was no way I was going to give him any money, because I was stingy. Yeesh, tell someone one time that you do not have the money to loan them and you are a jerk forever!
Here is how the conversation went: JJ came home, and went to talk to Mystical. Toby is known to eavesdrop, so JJ made sure to only say he got 30 dollars from me, as any more would be subject to sanctions. Toby moseyed into the room, and was all like "Well sounds like Steve might have given you a couple of bucks, mmmmm....how much was it again?" You see, it's hard to convey in wordical format like this, but this is really annoying because you can see how he is making plans for money that does not even belong to him. Answering him only solidifies his hold on the money, as if you respond you are obviously offering him the cash. It's a dance of words that is precarious and annoying in how often it happens, and Toby is very good at it, like I have told you before he has finagled an entire paycheck from me, nay my first official paycheck ever.
Anyway, back to the conversation. JJ informed him that yes, I had given him 30 dollars, and that he had already put 20 in his tank, and planned on buying dinner with the rest of the money. Toby was blocked, but not out! He moped around in the room as JJ spoke to Mystical, planning, conniving, and finally just went with what he knew.
"Boy, I sure wish I had a beer right now," he said sadly, glancing in JJ's direction, "I sure wish I had the money to buy everyone a beer, man...."
I know, I know, pathetic and stupid, but this time it worked. JJ bought him a beer and he sat on the sofa, happily sipping away at the fruits of his labors, and then pissed and moaned at what JJ bought for dinner because it was not what he wanted.
On the other end of the spectrum, the entire reason JJ had come up was because Smeagol had borrowed his last 20 dollars and had, of course, raptorpeared into the night. He stopped answering JJ's phone calls. He stopped answering his door. When he accidentally picked up and JJ was on the line he told him to come up, a 20 mile trip, and then left so JJ waa wasting gas. It is only a matter or time until JJ catches up with him and beats the thong off of him for this, and I will be there to tell the tale.