steveshaikus: More Smeagol, all the time.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

More Smeagol, all the time.

Love wily raptors?

How 'bout mystical retards?

You're in the right place

I assumed there would be some sort of blowback from completely ignoring that wily raptor, and there was. No, not to me, to JJ... so I dont care.

Apparently Smeagol called JJ and was all like "I don't know why everyone is avoiding me, I try to call and no one picks up! And Stevester was supposed to pick me up last Saturday and didn't! What did I do niggie...... I'm so tired" or something to that effect. Now this is funny in and of itself, because when he owes us money he ignores our calls and doesn't answer his door, and yet cannot understand why other people would do that to him, given that the only reason he ever calls anyone is to see if he can borrow something or take him somewhere.

He also asked JJ to come pick him up so he could hang out with him, and maybe while they were hanging out JJ could take him to the impound lot to get his car (radical!) and maybe buy him some dinner (totally tubular!) or something... the funny thing is JJ was actually going to go ahead and do it, which means he either plans on beating Smeagol to a pulp and taking his money back, or he was drunk whilst he was talking to me.

I am sure future civilizations, interplanetary alien tribes trolling our planet in search of resources or another pocket of our broken, sniffling, whiny race to eradicate or enslave, will come upon this blog and hopefully see how much of a friggin failure their Lord Raptor is, the only being who can withstand a nuclear holocaust and rules with a near-iron thong of might!

As I sat there, messing around with my palmtop pc and trying to get bangbus working on it, for research purposes.... I pondered a few questions:

Why was JJ all of a sudden being so nice to Smeagol? He must know Smeags had no intentions of ever giving him any money back, and that Smeagol was not going to give him any gas money.

Why do I care what a damn raptor thinks anyway? Who cares if he is annoyed with me? What's he gonna do? Run up and have me knock his teeth back in?

What's gonna happen when Toboggan Boy comes home and sees Smeagol sitting on his couch, his balls taking the breeze, only a scant 6 weeks after he threw him out for what he told me was "the last time?"

How am I supposed to get a video of Smeagol? I need help, how am I going to do that? Let's brainstorm here, people!

2 comments:

Bill Wabbit said...: get a better phone...; May 22, 2008 at 10:46 AM
Stevester said...: phones don't take video, and cows don't swim, stupid!; May 23, 2008 at 9:38 AM

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

More Smeagol, all the time.

2 comments:

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