Friday, March 14, 2008

Product Review: Boulevard Wheat Beer

Once the beer is gone

the drunk spouts philosophy

with shit in his pants

Boulevard Wheat Beer:

So for my first ever product review I chose Boulevard Wheat Beer, as the heading of this post and the name of the product, 2 lines up from here, can surely attest. I know what you are thinking: "Stevester, I can go read reviews on products other places and from much more intelligent people who have even a small idea of what the fuck they are doing, which you do not."

First, fuck you.

Second, I plan on delving into the intangibles, on seeing more than what other product reviews dare to explore. I am going to give you the stinky low down on things you probably don't even want to friggin know about. Let's begin.

My rating system goes thusly: I rate on a Smeagol scale, which is anywhere from 0 to 5 Smeagols. I then give the product an overall rating, which can be anywhare from a tattered cloak of failure, to a sexy Jeremy, to the coveted Spiritual Mystical Retard classification.

Price: 6.50 for a 6 pack of 12 ounce bottles.

score: 4 Smeagols (I would give it 5 because I thought it was a great price until I saw how much PBR goes for)

Product packaging: 3 Smeagols, nothing overly fancy, but I kind of like the olde timey graphics on the bottle.

Butt drunk?: 2 Smeagols. On this classification the lower the score the better, this hashes on one simple, yet beautiful question: Would I be willing to stick a funnel in my anus in and waste beer by pouring it up my ass? I will be honest, there are a few beverages (Fosters, Hurracane, Night Train) that are too elegant for such behavior, but this stands up well. T'would be a shame to miss out on this beverage's complex flavors.

Smeagolness: 4 Smeagols. In this classification, I ponder whether or not Smeagol would imbibe on such a beverage, by that I mean could his hot breath and cloak of failure melt the liquid before it makes it to his jowls o' Failure? I am happy to say that Boulevard Wheat Beer is good enough most of it would be able to withstand the trials and terrors of the Journey through what historians have dubbed the "Raptor's Halo": an area, usually extending about 2 feet in front of the face, where even bacteria cannot survive, the stink is so unbearable as to kill all it encompasses; the only known natural counter is the Breath o' Mystery, which is just as bad.

So here, our model, who is TOTALLY not the Stevester, poses with the delicious alcoholic beverage before diving into it's complex bed of pleasures and deliciousness. Notice how the thumbs up signifies that the liquid is ready to drink; this is not done voluntarily by the model, the beer is actually so good that it makes your thumbs stand at attention (among other things, rowr).

Hoppyness: 5 Smeagols. Since I have no friggin idea what the hell a hop is and I am too lazy to research, I will give this beer a 5 just for the hell of it.

Body: 2 Smeagols. The cloudy beer is a natural reaction to the wheat and yeast and shit, but it still looks like jizms to me. Sadly, this did not stop me from drinking 2 or 8 of them.

Complexity: 4 Smeagols. Our model noted that "beer good, sleepy time soon", which means he found the beer complex, with a very smooth texture and taste, and a little sweet.

Guzzlability: 4.5 Smeagols. If this shit was piss warm, our model would have simply poured it down his gullet, and bypassed the taste. Alas, it was cold, though he still tried.

Fills you up without letting you down? 5 Smeagols. See the photo below. Good times.

(side note: My wife kept making me pull my pants up higher and higher for this photo, it was pissing me off. SHe also wanted to put mayonnaise or whipped cream on my ass, the nasty buzzard)

Modalities? yes.


Now I didn't want to give such a coveted award out the first time, but in all honesty this was a very decent beer. There are only a few levels higher that you can go from the Green Thong of Awesomeness, and this beer is very deserving.

More Monday.

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