steveshaikus: What the Hell...?

Monday, March 24, 2008

What the Hell...?

O, sweet India,
you've taken 3 jobs from me
I gladly give them

So I was talking to my wife about the good old days, which is the second sign you are getting old, the first is shitting your bed, and as we all know I have done that before. Anyway, last evening's discussion came about because I had put Thriller on a cd, and she had heard the song but never saw the video. WTF?! How could you miss out on one of the best music videos of our time? I tried in vain to convey the awesomeness that was 1980's cable, with those brown zip boxes you got from American Cablevision (5 dollars to the first person to send me a picture of one of those, I can't find one) which went from channel 2 to 37, to MTV when it actually showed shit like:

and

and of course the reason for the conversation:

I am sorry, that one was too awesome, here is the real one...

Anyway, she claims she did not have cable and only listened to what her dad did, which is stuff like Rush, Kraftwerk's Autobahn, Pink FLoyd, and her mother's *shudder* *vomit* Beatles... I guess that's all good, but now I have made it my life's (at least for this week) work to train her in the beautiful art of the 80's video. Cure and Duran Duran here we come!

The bar was great last Friday: Sexy time looks were exchanged, feels were copped, many a new Greyskull joke/insult were pondered, heinies were shown. All in all good times to be had all around. I swear one of these times I will bring along Smeagol, if only for entertainment value but because, and I cannot believe I am saying this, I miss my brother a little bit. Sure he owes me money, hits on my wife, eats my food, stinks my furniture up, sleeps while everyone talks around him, and is otherwise a total jerk, but he's my bro, you know?

Which reminds me... This one time (at band camp), JJ and I decided to take the Smeagolese along to go play some ballbaskets. This was a hilarious field trip for a number of reasons, the chief among them being that raptors do not play basketball. They can have teams named after them, but they cannot play basketball.

Dangit, work calls, I will finish tomorrow. And I will make sure in the future to piggyback the rest of my scams with some more Smeagol goodness until I finish the threads I have, and then I will let them die much as clean bacteria die in Smeagol's thong after they come into contacts with his Raptorpubes...

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Monday, March 24, 2008

What the Hell...?

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