Tuesday, October 7, 2008


I'm a foolish man

take that cigarette from me

and hug the bad out

Random Question #4 - What asshat decided work should start so damn early in the morning? I mean seriously, why can't work start whenever I get up? Fuck I hate having to wake up in the morning!

Anyhoo, no one cares about my inability to wake up on time for work, let's get down to business!

.......and so Stevester fell into a rut, coming into work, taking phone calls and fixing things Flanders was always too busy to work on himself, listening to Max, Derka and Jason all laughing, joking around and having a good time, always under threat of seeing under Greyskull's leather skirt or being called into her lair, dank with the smells of incompetence and failure, though not all that unfamiliar after living with Smeagol all these years (did I tell you he used to mow his front lawn with no shirt on and a scythe?), which may explain why I spent all my time there.

Yes it was a sad time, what with my mom telling me she caught Toboggan Boy in the basement smoking rocks, hiding in the corner behind the clothes dryer. At what point do you realize that something like that is no longer cool, when you cannot look your kid in the eye when they ask if you ever sucked a cock to smoke rocks? Or is it when you have to hide in Smeagol's lair, a dank basement in the ghetto in order to enjoy the crack rocks?

Anyway, I was just getting back from my trip to Omaha, the fun I had staying at the Howard Johnson Hotel (more on that later), sitting in a closet on a milk crate for 3 days (really) and working my ass off trying not to laugh at the managing partner's VERY fake toupee, and the guys (and gal) had decorated my cube, welcoming me back, something I sorely needed. Apparently, even though this was not my fault, it was the last straw with Greyskull and her counterpart, the strangely wigged Skeletor. I was immediately called into her lair, which made me sad because I could not enjoy the decorations, and annoyed. It would take all the power my diploma in communications had to get out of this one, and even that might not be enough.

I mosey in, and sit in my default way, leaned back as far as humanly possible with my arms crossed and trying as desperately as possible to roll my eyes the entire time.

The meeting started with Greyskull telling me the usual filler crap, 'You're a good tech but you lack de social skills', blah blah blah, the only difference is Skeletor was sitting right beside me, not looking at me at all. This was most troubling, Batfriends!

"I would like to say that I am a little annoyed by your desk this morning' what the fuck does that have to do with me?! I could understand if like a loser (or Flanders) I had decorated it myself, but I didn't!

"It seems you are in your own little click, you only talk to a few certain people and you completely ignore others' - meaning Flanders and Santa - 'and frankly I'm sick of it. You will start getting along with everyone here, you will respond when someone says something to you, and keep your negativity and bad attitude to yourself"... so par for the course as far as manager's meetings go, so why is George Washington here?

"Skeletor also spoke to me about your subpar performance in Omaha, and I think this is going to warrant a little more than a talking- to"... WTF?!

It is at this point Skeletor starts with her (his?) whining about my bad attitude and unwillingness to work with other people, telling me and Greyskull about how she said 'Good Morning' to me and I just grunted and ignored her (I did), how I walked by her in the hallway and completely ignored her when she said something to me (I did) and how I seem to be going out of my way to make her feel uneasy around me (I did not). Sad part is, since I was acting all of this out in realtime in the office I was not in a position to negate said argument, and so simply sat there looking at the wall clock, wondering when this old man was going to shut up so I could go back to listening to Journey.

Finally, I heard silence, and realized they were expectantly looking at me, as if I was supposed to say something. "What?" I asked politely, and Greyskull blew a fuse. "That's what I'm talking about. Your attitude brings this whole helpdesk down, you make everyone around you feel uneasy as if they have to walk on eggshells around you, and I'm sick of it. I want you to read this and sign it, and turn your demeanor around TODAY or you will be looking for employment elsewhere." And with that, she gave me my first write up, a 2 page document that I was proud to say I had earned with my own blood, sweat and tears, and her and Skeletor made out loudly whilst I gazed upon it's beauty, imagining Greyskull frothing wildly at the mouth while pounding away on a tiny keyboard, Santa crying softly in the corner as he tries desperately to adjust his bondage gear, knowing she would only put the ballgag back and the chaps would be retightened upon her return.

More tomorrow.

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