Thursday, October 9, 2008

Alien Retard

Ligget, don't stigget
You can sugget, don't fuckit!
Youuuuuuu liiiiiggggeeeett damn Steve!

So it was that your friend Stevester was getting tired of living under Toboggan Boy's reign. Janet was getting crazier and crazier, pulling her hair back tighter and tighter, and she always made this weird noise with her mouth, this inhalation of snot and a popping sound like she was trying to swallow a load, which she might have been I dunno. Alphabet drug dealers came by more and more frequently, V, J, K, ~, and we were forced to go to the store and purchase food for them, while we ate our daily rations of a cinnamon roll and/ or an egg sandwich. FuuuCK!

Toboggan BOy had not taken his fateful ride down the front steps yet, but he was getting more and more annoying as he became more and more cracked out of his mind, coming home and walking around the house, all wide eyed looking for stuff, always telling JJ and I that he was a foolish man, that with love and support he would change his life and move up in this world, then immediately heading up to the Enterprise, which is what I will now call his bedroom. It's pretty sad that at this time moving in with Smeagol seemed like a good idea, and in retrospect I may have been better off simply getting addicted to drugs. Dad had just told me in lieu of getting me new school clothes and trying to pull myself out of the quagmire he had placed us in, he was planning on buying me a little bit of every kind of drug he could find, letting me sample them, and seeing which one I wanted to become addicted to, showing why he was still in the races for "Parent of the Year".

Smeagol was in the middle of a custody battle for his kids, who are both bigger than he is and probably completely successful now, and had just introduced me to Mystery, or rather her photo, which I erroneously thought was a friggin dude. I enjoy reminiscing about the olden times, but this story is about the last time I showed any emotion, other than my o face which strangely enough I use more often when taking a big dump.

Even though we had moved and I was no longer in school, my girlfriend at the time was still with me, why I still don't know, since she routinely told me at that time that she was too attractive to be with the likes of me, and before I realized ladies love fat black guys I assumed she was right. I needed to devise a plan to get back in school North of the River and thus things would magically get back to normal. This would take some finagling the likes of which I have never tried before, observe:

!) Grandma: In order to go to school north of the river, I had to have an address up North there. THe only person I knew who lived anywhere near the school was my grandmother. I foolishly asked Smeagol to run me up there, not knowing she was already well versed in turning raptors down, and that he had been up there recently begging for money to buy another wrestling jersey, which I thnk he used to hide the fact that he had no muscles.

We get up there, and before I can even say anything, start putting the moves on her, Smeagol starts in with his stupid "You can't say no, niggie!" whining about how he needs money to pay his car payment, causing her jowls to sag with annoyance. Fucklick! I cut in on his sales pitch to inform her that I too wanted something from her but it was nothing monetary, causing her to quit paying attention to the raptor sitting there, letting his thong scent taint her couch (I went up there like 5 months later and there was a different couch there, coincidence? I think not).

"I just need to use your address so I can go to a good school, I will drive myself to and from school every day, I just need an address in the Northland." I said hopefully, thinking if I went the education route I would get a better response. I had forgotten she hates niggers though, so her response, in hindsight, should not have surprised me: "Well, I can't tell a lie' - wait WTF?! THis hoe ain't George Washington! I was told by my dad that my grandpa is actually my grandpa's brother, who she started banging behind his back, and NOW she has values??!?!
'because that's not who I am, I know your dad will get you into a good school." For the record, to flesh out her retardedness or pigheadedness, she, to this day, thinks my dad has smoked 1 marijuana cigarette in his lifetime. I am still not sure what she thinks that while film around his lips, the burn marks on his fingers or his random outbursts of "Nigga I want some crack!" mean (I kid about that last one, but if you have seen my dad, picture him saying that in a Tyrone Biggums voice. If you do not know who Tyrone Biggums is, kill yourself)

Later: Part 2, where I go live with a buddy of mine and somehow ruin a friendship, also with my confrontation with Toboggan Boy in full effect ya'll!

PS - It has come to my attention that there are approximately 10 stories I have started but not finished, let me know which ones you want to hear finished and I will work on those first

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This one and the race one first...