Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Smeagol Race, pt II

santa caligon
Mullets are gifts from Heaven
I cry with passion

Smeagol's Races pt. II

OK, SO I posted part I of Smeagol's magical race history, and now here is part 2 in the 43 part series (I am exaggerating).

The Hit and Run

I know I spoke about the last hit and run Smeagol had in the Bronco, but did I tell you there were 2 of these incidents?! I didn't? Well sit back and enjoy, my friends!

Twas a magical August day, magical because it was one of the few that I had nothing to do, which is a rarity in my life. ON an aside, I ALWAYS have a ton of crap to do. When I was in high school, I went to school, played football, and worked in the evenings. When I got out of school (read: dropped out) I worked in the evening and went to school in the mornings. Now I work and go to karate and try to keep a certain wily raptor from stealing things from my house. I'll be glad when I am dead, I'll finally get some damn sleep.

Anyhoo, like I said, I was laying around in the living room, after the incident where I threw a hatchet through a glass table and accidentally left Bagheera's cage open while the rabbits were out I figured doing things would lead to more trouble (I dunno if I will post on that magical day, cocaine's a helluva drug), and Smeagol comes walking in the door in an elevated state of failure. Now it was strange, because I did not hear his Bronco pull up, which I should have because we did not have any of those pesky windows to block out the noises/bugs/squirrels/urine streams that constantly barraged our home, especially after our neighbor's drunken brother held us hostage that fateful night for 5 dollars and then pissed on our car (I will try to get to that, great times).

Apparently, Smeagol was attempting to race his 1985 Chevrolet Blazer against someone who was driving a 1996 Pontiac Trans Am. This was usual, Smeagol didn't usually let things like overwhelming odds or the local authorities to mar his fun, and this was to be no different. As we all expect, He was blown out of the water, as I am pretty sure the gentleman driving the Trans Am never even knew he was racing a wily raptor, and was trying to catch up.

That was mistake number one.

Smeagol runs red lights when he is racing, his favorite quote is that if they are more than 10 feet off of the ground they are optional, which really annoys me because every time he says that Mystery goes "really?" WHich causes him to launch into a retarded diatribe about how it is illegal to stop someone who runs red lights and I don't feel like getting into it.

Anyway, so Smeagol runs a red light and runs right into a hapless gentleman driving an old Buick. At this point, you or I would stop the car, get out and make sure everyone is alright, exchange insurance information and wait for the authorities to obtain a police report. Well, Smeagol has 1) never attained insurance for longer than it takes to get his car legal,2) has not gotten a car legal since he got the new updated Missouri tag,3) would never wait around long enough for the local authorities to show up as they would arrest him even if he was only an innocent bystander, so Smeagol did what any responsible raptor would do: he fleed the scene, leaving behind a little of his headlight, his front plate, and some of his thong.

Such genious deserves recognition, but it doesn't end there! Instead of parking in the driveway, Smeagol came upon the bright idea that he could park his clearly damaged blazer across the street from his house, in plain sight of said house and now on a busy street, and no one would be the wiser. The knock on the door a few hours later told us this plan had some flaws. On an aside, why would Mystery answer the door, with Smeagol in plain view, I mean PLAIN view, as he is lounging on the couch allowing his saggy balls to take the breeze, and with a straight face tell the authorities that that crazy raptor is not there? The sheer idiocy of such a statement would give the best of us pause, and probably almost baffled the police into not believing their own eyes.

I will try to post later on today, but the next month or so will be hectic as I am actually working, it totally sucks.

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