Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Vehicular Manslaughter

Vehicular Manslaughter

touch the Whitesnake, girl
Kraken's your QUiet Riot
Take on me, A-Ha

So yesterday, we were all debating cars, with me being the only one in the room who does not enjoy the fruits of GM's labors, and the Tylester dared ask me to explain myself. Well, friends, as I was going through the cars I had, we all came to the completely skewed observation that it was not so much the fault of GM, as it was mine for purchasing cars for less than 600 dollars and then expecting them to be awesome. I figured I would go through, really fast, the more than 20 vehicles I have owned in my short driving career, and let you draw your own sweet and sassy conclusions.

1. 1982 Buick Regal
Price: Free (it was a "gift" from Smeagol)
Location bought: N\A
* In all honesty, this was a really nice car, and I cannot complain too much about it. Smeagol gave it to me to drive, I drove it for about 2 weeks, then Smeagol took it back and traded it in for a 1990 Pontiac Sunbird, which promptly got impounded and still to this day sits in an impound lot, as far as I know.
THE END - Smeagol took it back

2. 1984 Pontiac Fiero
Price: $297.00
Location bought: 41st and Troost
* This was a sweet looking car, kinda like a little Ferrari. Why was it so cheap? It was a manual, had 200k miles on it, and had no 3rd gear. I also remember it not being able to go in reverse either. I ended up trading this to the most shady character I had ever seen (you know when you see someone and you can just tell by the way they are kinda jukin' and jivin', or smoking crack?) for car number 3, which was:
THE END - Traded for Camaro

3. 1978 Chevrolet Camaro
Price: $575.00
Location bought: 37th and Cleveland *interesting side note, it was a junkyard/trash heap, and I had to climb over trash to get to his desk. This should have been an indication of what was to come...
* I got this car because it looked cool, plain and simple. It was electric blue, had turbine wheels, T-Tops, and a cool sounding engine. However, the ENTIRE front end was held together with bailing wire (which is chicken wire, for the uninitiated), it never ran right, and every time I turned a corner I had to hold the door on or it would fly open, which was not cool. The first day I had it, I went outside to admire it after some healthy toilet shopping to find some nasty ass old guy in the front seat. I asked him politely what the fuck he was doing in my car, and let my doberman loose before he had a chance to answer. Turns out I had forgotten to take the "For Sale" sign off of the car and he thought it was for sale... Tee hee!

Another funny thing (not really) is when the skeevy loser came to pick the Fiero up, it ran like a top even without that gear, and I had never driven it because I didn't know how to drive a stick and also because it had no third gear, so that Fiero could have ended up being a great car, I will never know.
THE END - I ended up selling it to some hoodlums, who promptly found out it was crap, demanded their money back, which I gave, and then came back later and stole the car. Sad times. Also I had no title, so there was that.

4. 1991 Pontiac Grand Prix
Price - I dunno, it was technically Smeagol's car
Location bought: 63rd and Troost
* The Grand Prix was a pretty decent car, technically it was Smeagol's, but since he would always climb into the back seat and curl up on the floorboards and fall asleep, gassing me (have you ever tried breathing through your mouth and actually TASTED fart?!)
THE END - I backed out of the driveway and the axle broke. In the middle of the fucking street. I just sat there, cars on either side honking at me (what the fuck am I supposed to do, moron?) and looked, dumbfounded, as all manner of fluid trickled out of the bottom of the car.

5. 1986 Buick Skylark Custom
Price - $850.00
Location bought - Truman Road across from Elmwood Cemetary
* I should have known not to purchase this car because all of these dealerships looked shady, but fuck I needed a car. THis was a GORGEOUS car, it was silver, had a digital dash, smelled fresh all the time, there was one problem. When I bought it, apparently the mechanic covered all the holes in the block over with some thich black grease. I first noticed this when I tried to go up a hill and the car could not do it. This was an indication that something was awry. My second clue was the car died. A lot. Like every 3-4 minutes. I am not exaggerating. It was hilarious, one of the bus station skanks I dated during that time thoguht I was killing the car on purpose to get busy. This could very well be the case, but I would want to get, you know, away from your fucking house first, moron...
THE END - I traded this car in, at the same lovely dealership, for car # 6, a 1980 Chevrolet Malibu...

More tomorrow... I will try to do 5 a day, that way I will be done sometime early next week.

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