Friday, August 14, 2009

Cars, cars, everywhere there's cars

Cars, cars, everywhere there's cars

see the mountain blue
heartland vista; majesty
Let the eagle soar

Before I get into the next set of cars in our cavalcade of awesome, I must (as I am wont to do) emit another flurry of barely understood rhetoric on politics. If you are a conservative republican, tell the person reading this to you to skip the next paragraph. Thank you.

I so wish I could be hired on to go to these town hall meetings. I would put everything so bluntly a retarded deaf blind child with an arm growing out of his ass would understand. And then he could explain it to Rush Limbaugh's listeners.

Here would be my speech, verbatim:

"Ladies, gentlemen, child molesters, and mullet aficionados, welcome. I will make this short, so as to save you time and keep you from missing the next NASCAR/ Bass fishin' event. Before you start screaming about Obama bringing 'socialism' to America, you are from now on required to define socialism. If you cannot correctly define socialism, you will be tazed, then pepper sprayed, then sterilized so your idiocy does not infect our country's gene pool, which would lead to some bad stem cells being used to lengthen the penises of homosexual men before they legally marry.

Second, if you truly believe there are going to be 'death panels' (note I would put up the double quotes on all these), panels that tell people to die and try to steer old people toward death, then you are an idiot. While personally I believe that all people (myself included) should be exterminated once they have outlived their usefulness (which does not come at an age, mind you), only a complete and total moron would put that into legislation. And claiming it is magically 'hidden' (note the quotes again) in a document that is 'more than 1,000 pages!', shows you have a shorter attention span than the average Harry Potter aficionado, who is on average about 10.

Lastly, Barack Obama was born in the United States. End of story. If you are one of the many, many idiots frothing at the jowls about needing to see his birth certificate, you should be stripped naked and raped by a prison gang. Nicely though, with like lube and stuff because stupidity is a crime but it's just as entertaining as it is hurtful.

Thank you, and no further questions.... except from that big tittied girl in the third row."


Anyway, political rant over for the time being, let's move on:

10. 1992 Plymouth Sundance
Price - 650
Location bought - Truman Road and I-435 (auction)
* So finally I had had enough with these sheister car dealers, what with their deigo mustaches and their greasy hair (I got that from celebrity jeopardy, not even sure what a deigo is, I think it's someone from California though), and decided to buy a car from the public (pubic) auction this time, as THAT would be a lot better.

Not a lot on this car, except it was one of the top 3 cars I have had the honor of owning. I put 32000 miles on it in 2 years, never had a problem (except that if you tried to speed up to 55 without letting off the gas, the car would yaw until you let off, then it would drive fine) until the transmission shit itself. Like an idiot, instead of getting it fixed, I just got out and walked off, no idea what happened to that car.
THE END - Tranny went out one day, I got out of the car and walked away. Never looked back.

11. 1986 Dodge Diplomat
Price - 250
Location bought - Truman Road and I-435 (auction)
* The steam engine. The bird-murderer. The Life-Stealer. All names given to this well-documented piece of machinery. The windows in front would not roll down, and the heat only worked in full blast mode. It had NO power, even though it had a 318 v8, because it had almost 250K miles on it, but when we DROVE it to the junkyard, it had almost 400k miles on it. I had to replace the alternator once a month, and we had to hose the engine down once a month from all the oil spraying around in there. Great times. Look through earlier posts, I really did love this car. I got it the same day as the SUndance, and it lasted for 5 years, mostly as the backup car but for a LONG time as the only car...
THE END - We sold it to Wyatt Earp, who drove the shit out of it, and finally took it to the trash heap when he got tired of the poltergeist like manifesting of the car shitting itself.

12. 1996 Chrysler Concorde
Price - INITIALLY 2000
Location bought - My wife's dad
* Initially this car was supposed to be 2000 dollars. Long story short, I think at last count we owe just under 4000 now, with all the repairs that her dad covered on said automibile. Not a whole lot on this car, it had 75k miles on it when we got it 8 years ago, we still have it, it had 176k miles on it, my wife plowed into a deer doing 70 on I-435, and THEN finished her drive to work, we put a bright purple hood on it (the rest of the car was an opal color, so it actually kinda matched), and since it was my wife's car it was almost always halfway full of fucking trash. I hate dirty cars. There's no fucking reason for it. When you finish eating your sandwich, throw the damn paper in the trash or out the window at a wino so he can smell success...
THE END - the car never really ran right after hitting the deer, but it is still here, sitting in my driveway... maybe one day I will see what's up widdit.

This post is getting a bit long, so I will pause here. Monday I shall delve into the EBAY years of my car buying career, great times.

*/Post note: If you are a conservative and I have offended you, my bad ho. It just annoys me that I have to listen to people all the time saying stupid shit and I have to keep my mouth shut because I am at work or in some other setting where it is socially unacceptable. /*

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