Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Cars, Cars Cars!

Cars, Cars Cars!

golden shower time
upturned face, mouth is agape
it's apple juice, perv without further ado, we move on to the second installment of my 5 part series, "Better know a lemon"

6. 1980 Chevrolet Malibu
Price - $800.00
Location Bought - Truman Road across from Elmwood Cemetary
* So when it was obvious that the Skylark had a myriad of problems that had been covered up (it was later found out it had some serious front end problems, but it was tough to find that out since I couldnt keep the car started long enough to find that out), I did what any sane and thoughtful person would do: I got Toboggan Boy and headed down to the car dealership to get another car from them.

It was great fun watching Toby's crack fuelled rage-o-thon, the indignation in his voice as he threatened to "whomp some goat-smellin' ass", his white guy afro and huge lip rug jiggling in awe-inspiring fury, the stereotypical nasty looking lady with the green shirt and filthy pink sweatpants never taking her eyes from her magazine... and finally he calmed down enough to infomr them that we had no intention of ever purchasing a car from them again, and that we were leaving this piece of crap here. We were then informed that they would call the police unless we took that car because I signed a contract. This was somehow parlayed into me buying the above mentioned car.
THE END: This car was another "looks great, runs, not so much" cars, which will become a common theme in my sexy time posts... the front end was so squirrely when I took the car back to them the steering wheel had ceased to turn the car anymore, and it was by pure luck the car just happened to randomly turn enough to bump it up on the curb by their establichment.

7. 1985 Mercury Grand Marquis
Price - $1497.00
Location bought - 52nd and North Brighton (right off of North Prospect, FYI)
* I got this car because the down payment was in my budget (49 dollars) and because it was big and gold. It had an anemic 302 V8 in it, got about 14 mpg, and fell to shit soon after I got it. First, the power windows went down and would not come back up. This would not have been a huge deal, but I bought the car in December. Driving down the highway with it fucking snowing and freezing rain inside you damn car lets police know that stopping you is paramount. Then it started dying. Often. While I was driving. Finally, one day something happened and antifreeze foured out from under the car.
THE END - I took it back to the dealership, having learned my lesson, and got

8. 1992 Ford Taurus
Price - #3495.00
Location bought - 52nd and North Brighton Road
* I never go to drive this car. I had been arrested and my license had gotten suspended previously, for turning when the police were turning, which for some reason equalled suspicious behavior, and my lovely wife drove this car the whole time, so outside of the fact that it always ran, I can tell you little to nothing about said car.

That being said, I will note that during the ice storm that hit that year, she was driving down North Oak WAY too fast, jumped a curb at like 50 MPH and from then on between 45 and 60 the car jostled like we were in a washing machine. Great times.

9. 1978 Chevrolet Impala
Price - $330.00*
Location bought - Northland somewhere
* THis car was a pleasant, and complete surprise. We were sitting at work on break, my wife and I, at lovely Burger King, trying to figure out how we were going to pay 375/mo. rent AND the way too high 152.00/mo. car payment. No we couldnt afford, so didnt purchase, insurance. As we were talking, the lady behind us remarked that she was moving to Montana (why I am not sure. Are there people in Montana?), and that she would sell us her Mother's car, which looked rough but ran great. Her price, 330, was more than equitable, and we went to look at the car.
Well, "ugly" did not begin to describe this car. Let me preface this by saying I LOVE that body style of car, and this one had no dents, dings, or any of that shit. On the OUTSIDE. It was, however, sky blue, gold, rust colored and orange. As in 3 times someone had decided to paint the car, got started, said "Fuck it", and quit. Whatever. The interior left a little to be desired. The cloth on the seats was all ratty and torn up, so we sat on lovely foam cushion, which would of course grind itself into your pants if you dared move. There was also no headliner, so there was orange fluff that rained down on you at all times. By the time you got out of this car, you looked like a Cheeto. All of these things sucked, but this was the best automobile I ever owned. It ran ALL the time. My wife dumped it nose first into a ditch - twice, still ran. I spun out and hit a guardrail, still ran. Did I mention when these things happened there was no damage to the car? It got 20 MPG, city, highway, or lake. It was an ugly son of a bitch, and people moved out of the way when I got on the highway. Best memory though? When I drove that ugly sucka up to the hospital door to take my oldest son home. You should have seen the look on the nurse's face, great times. I sold this car twice, got it back twice, and it outlasted everything I ever had.
THE END - I am literally getting teary eyed as I write this. I fucking loved that car. She finally met her end when a buttfucking JJ got to her, as he wrecked it trying to peel out around a corner. Every year I stop to think about that car, the great times, the lack of air conditioning, the sweet jacked up look it had when I put truck tires on the back, and I let out a remorseful, sad, memory laden fart in honor of my gone friend. Rest in Peace...

Fuck, I will do the next few tomorrow, I...I don't wanna talk about cars anymore. WHY?!

* The price for the car was 330. We told the lady that we had 300, and promised to send the remaining 30 later. She left for Montana that day. To this day I am assuming I owe some lady 30 dollars in Montana. Great times.

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