Monday, August 17, 2009

Understandificate what I'm Sayin'!

Understandificate what I'm Sayin'!

O Larry Johnson
my man-crush stands unwav'ring,
which is why you rule

Alright, I came in today intent on moving on in my car saga, but this morning's festivities demand I talk about them.

First, I think I told you all I was going to lunch with my mom and JJ last week, well, there were complications...

Apparently, my foolish, foolish mother was telling Toboggan boy about me taking her and JJ out to lunch, and Smeagol, sleeping face down on the couch, woke up, hearing about the possibility of free vittles. His thong leapt into action, informing her that since it was free food, he would tag along, as he had nothing else to do that day (go figure). JJ called me the morning of, whispering as that wily raptor was camped out in the front hallway, making sure no one left without his knowledge:

JJ: (hushed tones) Fuck Stevester, I can't leave, fuckin' Smeagol is at the front door and he can see the back door from there too...

Me: Well, I'm not buying the entire goof troop's damn lunch. I got 50 bucks, and that's it (I had my credit card, but telling them that is asking for the whole damn clan to show up, and I'm not doing that again)...

JJ: (even quieter) Every since he heard we was gettin' free food he's been sitting by the door, all dressed, just looking around to make sure no one leaves without him...and he stinks!

Long story short, he called my mom, who was out paying bills, and informed her she would have to go on without him, as he wasnt going to sacrifice letting Smeagol come along and ruin everyone's life just to get some damn vittles... so I ended up going to lunch with my parents and enjoying a 75% beef fat lunch at Gates. My God, I remember the burnt end sandwich having, you know, fucking MEAT in it. Are times that hard that you raise the price AND slather BBQ sauce on cooked fat and serve it? Wuduppwidat?

Anyway, on another front, I went upstairs to the 4th floor to toilet shop this morning, and man I was laying some rope. It was a huge ringer turd, and there were 6 or 7 clunkers in the middle, which is great times, but all of a sudden, some lady opened the door to the bathroom and called out "is anyone in here?"

I sat there, frozen, and in shock. I had 2 choices: A), I could ignore it, and risk them coming in and seeing me shitting, or 2), I could call out, and anyone out in the hallway would know I was the Bathroom Bandit, much like Desmond was at da Firm. For a split second I contemplated option 1, but with the legal ramifications (can I get arrestified for indecent exposure if I am in a shitter stall and some lady sees me?) went with the second. I called out "I'm >grunt<>

I heard her say to someone beside her "There's someone IN there... what do I do?"

Well RIGHT FUCKING AFTER I answer her, some guy yells from the FUCKING HALLWAY "Hey is anyone in there?" FUck? What did they expect? That I would disappear between the 4 seconds of silence between her calling for me and him calling? Fuck that asshole, I sat there quietly. Then he comes into the shitter and I hear him say "I can see someone in the last stall" real loud... FUUUCK!

I assumed since someone was, y'know, IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM, they would leave and let me sneak out with what little dignity I had left intact. Not a chance. All of a sudden I hear loud noises, like there is a construction zone in the bathroom, and I am mid-turd so I can't stop... I go ahead and finish, flush and try to sneak out of the stall, and right into the middle of 4 guys tearing the fucking bathroom apart. The soap dispensers are all gone, the paper towel dispenser is open, and these guys are tearing the whole fucking bathroom apart. I stand there, shitty fingers hanging at my sides, and one of the douchebag du jours notices me and says "Oh, hey, you probably need some soap"... then he leaves. I stand there awkwardly, looking at the other guys working within 5 feet of where I had just taken a huge shit, no doubt smelling it, and one of them hands me a roll of paper towels. At this point there is no coming back, so when the guy brings the soap in (we were changing vendors), I am all like "hey, thanks buddy!" and wash my hands.....while the 4 guys watched. It was fucking creepy. I then turned and left, sure they would look in the stall I had just vacated and see the tire treads I left in the bottom of the stool...

The 4th floor, which for 2 years I have loved like a brother, a brother I hide behind to take shits, is now tainted. I must now find a new shit spot. Let us all have a moment of silence, as we remember a friend lost, a comrade who has fallen by the wayside; nay, let us *sniff* remember the good times, the *snort* time I won the superbowl on tecmo superbowl during the harrowing month of December, when I ONLY allowed myself to play whilst on the can...

4th floor, you will be missed.

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