Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Back in the Saddle

Back in the Saddle

Chewbacca give pain!
hairy paw smashes your face

Sorry it's been awhile, I was on sexy time vacation. Rather than bore you with all the minute details (I saw someone taking a shit in a urinal, I saw a real live glory hole, I got pissed on and not by a child) I will delve into other subjects....that relate to my vacation.

As you may or may not know (or care), I went to a karatefying tournament in Dalton, GA. I was a little bit apprehensive about making the trip, what with my limited knowledge of the South and my corresponding belief that literally every human being South of Kansas City is either in the Ku Klux Klan or on the waiting list (strangely enough I am on the list, why won't they call me back?!), and that Deliverance is acted out on a daily basis.

But anyway, let's start from the sexy, sexy beginning. The plan for my week off was to do the following:

1. Drive to Omaha and visit the Omaha Zoo
2. Drive down to Dalton, GA stopping in St. Louis, Nashville, and for some reason (OK the reason is because I like saying the name) Paducah, KY (LOL).

In order to effect this, we decided to drive the entire way instead of flying, because we use our time wisely. I go to pick up the car, well secure in the knowledge that unlike previous instances, I had planned ahead and gotten the mid-sized car, which was a lovely Chevrolet Cobalt, and-

Chevy Cobalt? For those of you not in the know, I am a fat man. I am also a moderately tall man. This car is not for me. I see this car, which is not only not as long as my own car (Zing!) but also almost a foot shorter, and I feel the sad time. Apparently, sometime since the economy went down the shitter, I guess so too did the definition of midsize car go the way of the Lollipop Guild?!

Anyway, I get the car, and we are off to Omaha first, which was pretty schweet, I have some photos of Smeagol in his natural habitat that I will post later... of course since I am the man I ended up driving up there and back, but I didn't mind, except for the fact that I was scrunched up enough that I could tell the soap had missed a few places under my balls, because my face was in my own friggin pube thicket the whole time (visualize that while eating your lunch!)

So anyway, the zoo trip over (the best part was when we went into the swamp and my oldest was looking around in the gloom and an alligator was sitting in the water less than 5 feet away, those were great times), we go back and relax for a day, to get ready for the 14 hour drive to Georgia. And this is the meat of today's post.

I recently found out Netflix rents softcore porn. Now I know what you are thinking, and the answer is yes, I do rent a family movie every once in awhile just to liven things up. My favorite ones are these Italian ones which are comedies with porn in them, which seems right up my alley, since every time I take my pants down my wife starts laughing.

So I recently found a director who makes the majority of these films, and rented everything Netflix suggested. Big mistake.

I get the movie in the mail last week, the name of it is Salo. If you hear someone groan when they read that film title, they have heard of it. If they throw up and then run screaming from the room, they saw the first half. If they shit in a bowl and eat it, they were in the film.

Anyway, I figure since I need to get some sleep early, as I have to get up at 1 AM to start the drive, I will watch some of this film to see what it's all about. I pop that beeyotch in the dvd player and lay on the bed.

Beginning: So far, so good. The film is set in 1944 Italy, and is apparently about kidnapping attractive young men and women for what is apparently going to be forced orgies (this is actually said in the beginning of the film, I did not make this up). Although there were way too many hairy weiners, some of the chicks looked bangable. I'll keep watching but there is nothing funny about the movie so far.

0:35 - Ummmm.... so they are talking about how luscious it would be to anally violate this young man, and the way these old guys are literally licking their lips is kinda grossing me out. They take the group to a secluded compound, and elicit the only laughter I was able to muster the entire film, when they tell the group "You will never escape. You will die here. Orgies are to occur every morning at 9:00 precisely"... sounds like me on a date.

1:00 - So everyone in this film is completely nude except these old guys, who are strange but not too far out there. Apparently the movie centers around the orgy room, where everyone sits and listens to some nasty ass older ladies talk about all the depraved stuff they did, and then the older guys come in and act said acts out on the victims. It's getting progressively nastier, as the ladies are talking about peeing in people's mouths and this guy takes one of the girls in this back room and has her whiz on his face and in his mouth. I want to stop watching but cannot. What is happening to me?!

1:30 - The wife walks in just as the next lady is talking about one of her Johns wanting to lick her butthole out and then had her shit into a bowl, which he then ate. She was going into detail about eating a diet specifically designed to maximize poopage and the wife walks in and is like "What the fuck is this?!" Then she sits down and watches too, transfixed.

1:39 - THis is as far into the film as either of us got. At this point, after the story, a large tub was put in the main dining hall, and was filled to the brim with shit, piss and vag-i-blood, which everyone ate in excrutiating detail. Then one guy starts making out with another guy with a turd in his mouth and I just threw up in my mouth. Tastes like Doritos and failure.

I sent the movie back and took the rest of them out of my queue, replacing them all with SPace Chimps and various Arnold Schwarzenegger movies. I have been scarred for life. The saddest part is I want to know how it ends, but cannot watch it long enough to see how it does. Please if one of you watches it, tell me how it ended. I will buy the movie for you...

Anyway, more sometime this week, including more Smeagol madness!


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