steveshaikus: Like a Thief in the Night

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Like a Thief in the Night

I love chocolate cake

boiled steamed fried or even baked!

good for goodness sake!

So it's been a while since we have heard of Smeagol's adventures, and I was at once happy and disheartened. I was happy because it appeared he might be turning over a new leaf, becoming a pillar of a society that once shunned him, tossing him aside into the murky depths of his own dark psyche, meant to sit smoldering in the wretched meanderings of his darker alter ego...

But that's not the case, so...

I called JJ the other day, well actually I called Mystical to thank her for coming by and not flashing the security guards downstairs...but you can't call JJ's house without talking to him! After exchanging pleasantries I asked about a certain wiley raptor, and got a most entertaining update.

Apparently Smeagol stole a bunch of JJ's shirts. As far as I could understand, Smeagol came by one day recently and was most distressed to find that no one was there to receive him. Angry that JJ had the adulation, adoration and nay, sexytime elation of numerous ladies, while as a raptor Smeagol is relegated to society's fodder, the ladies who no longer have standards or various female animals, Smeagol cleaned JJ's closet of some of his finer shirts. He did return them, after another threat of violence, but seriously, consider that JJ has a child to care for, works 30 miles away from his home, and is in constant threat of detection and assault by the local gendarme. Smeagol has "borrowed" clothings from me as well, and I am in no better of a situation. Yet Smeagol works 2 jobs, has no kids, no pets, pays less than half of what I do for rent, and the sustenance he attains from his daily beggings is more than enough to sate his needs. I just don't get it.

Anyway, JJ was trying to find a babysitter for his kid, and being a good person I nominated my wife without telling her, because I am a classy guy. JJ informed me the reason for the request was because Mystical couldn't do it, she had to work a double, and though Smeagol and Karla usually- wait, what?

I asked for more information, and apparently Smeagol has been living with Karla and her boyfriend for several weeks now, which would explain why no one answers the phone when I call his raptor house anymore. JJ said he called and Mystery was all like "he went to work about 6 weeks ago and hasn't been home since, I think he is still at work"... which is sad on so many levels. WHat is she eating? She has no job, and from past experience I know Smeagol does not have a stash of taco bell that would last 6 weeks... I mean come on. As ugly and annoying as she is, Mystery deserves better than that raptor. Haggard, take one for the team, man... she needs you.

All jokes aside, Smeagol has apparently been trying to get ahold of me for awhile, and now I am pretty sure I know why, and will refrain from answering his raptor calls.

More later.

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The Lexicon

1. Cameltoe of Destruction - A cameltoe so massive and flagrant it can consume your will to live.

2. Turn-by-turn directions - When some moron explains so much that you could completely retrace their steps/ thoughts/ bowel movements in the event there is ever a trial over that

3. Churning brown butter - Taking a dump, droppin' a deuce, chucking some queef dirt, machine gunning the dirt pellets... etc.

4. Consuming a kitten's soul - a human so evil that only Jesus can look them in the eye, and when he does he gets ED for a month...

5. A cobra eating a clown - besides the new design for my hood, the most awesome brand on the planet. Copyright that, bitches!

6. National Geographin' it up - when you imitate the native peoples on National Geographic and screw someone, usually doggystyle, in front of other people with no sense of decency or desire to stop. Coined by me to describe JJ.

7. Anal Bifeda - Kind of like spinal bifeda, but it makes you act like a mule's sagging asshole all the time. Or you can just attempt to engage Greyskull in conversation and see this disease in action.

8. Queef-mud - What starts out as an innocent little queef but turns into full blown diahrrea. Can strangely enough be applied to men if they are completely innocently trying to fart in someone's face and shit all over the bed.

9. "Yoooouuuuu Llllllliiiiigggeeetttt Steve!" - (I will be glad to vocalize upon request) What Janet was saying to my dad while he desperately tried to hit both sides of her monkey hole that had been spread by the plunging of numerous cocks earlier that day. Also used as an insult to anyone named Steve.

10. Booty Ass Overtime - not just overtime, but when you work so much overtime you fall asleep while sitting on the toilet having a tinkle, or don't have the time to tinkle so let your own bodily fluids mix and meld with whatever is all over your shirt any damn way.

11. Shitdick - A condition that can only come about from a spirited round of butt-lovin'. When your loving partner cannot hold in his/ her chocolate thunder but likes your anal plunging so much they try to let a little dust off the crap and end up lubing your meatstick and lower belly with hershey dark 'n chunky.

12. Lip it - when you take the head of your cock and rub it around the rim of a cup before handing it to someone. It's funnier if you are circumcised because there is that little oily spot right behind the cap that really stinks if you don't wash it right and that smell will not come out of someone's mouth.

13. Shiznitobam-slip-slap-Sally - The freshest of the fresh, the illest of the ill, the deffest of the def, now all you cat's chill. I made that up.

14. KC Dirt track - When you teabag a girl (or boy) backwards, and you blow ass right up their nose and all over their upper face, leaving a fine spray of shit and dingleberries for all to see.

15. fearfarts - Those real smelly farts you had been trying to hold in, like when hot chicks (or dudes, depending) are in too close proximity to cropdust, and something scares the living fucking shit out of you, causing you to machine gun these nasty ass farts uncontrollably into your pants, and they are the loudest farts you have ever laid. Great at parties.

16. Modalities of the consignment - Anyone who utters this phrase or uses the word "modalities" or "consignment" in it is a scammer. please forward them on to me accordingly.

17. The Stevester Layup - A basketball move that starts with a 280 pound man running right at you, double dribbling in the process, and leading in for the layup with his knee, often striking you in the chest with much brunt force. Not liked by judges.

18. Teleworketing - not mine, I'm afraid, said by a manager at an 8 hour meeting, to describe someone who is, I assume, a telemarketer who is working from home docketing a pro se case? You be the judge.

19. Toilet Shopping - when you go to a floor you in reality have no business on with the express purpose of taking a dump. Awkward when you get caught, or if the lights are motion detected and turn off and someone walks in there thinking no one is in there because it's dark and then tries to talk to you while you shit.

20. Raptor stomping - When you are so angry you want to stomp, but everything hurts your feet, including carpet, so you walk gingerly, raptor style, but you swing your feet down as hard as you can until you almost make contact and then gingerly tap your piddy on the carpet. I will be happy to demonstrate so you can all visualize.

21. sleepulence - those long, drawn out quiet farts you get when you are either asleep, or do not have the power to push out (aka Smeagol). Known to be so potent they can take a layer of varnish off of a house, even if there is no varnish on there to begin with.

steveshaikus

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Like a Thief in the Night

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