Tuesday, July 7, 2009



Bring your Zinfandel
appletinis in the mix
leave your pants outside

So I am gearing up to go see Bruno with my peeps this week, and by gearing up I mean waxing my butthole to remove the hairs and oiling up my assless chaps.

Anyway, back to the story of my sexy time trip. The plan was, as it is a 13 hour drive down there, that we would leave at 1 in the morning and switch off in St. Louis, then in Nashville, giving me about 8 hours to drive, and my wife about 5. This did not happen. I ended up driving all the way to about 20 minutes south of Nashville, when she "remembered" the plan and we switched. Have you ever smelled your own balls or had yourself so compacted into a car that your asshole is pointed at your face, thus ensuring you get first dibs on your own flatuvapors the entire time, for 11 hours straight? No? Well it ain't nice.

Small political note in the middle of my semi-retarded rantings: what's all the hubbub about gay marriage? If you surf over to the Rude Pundit (and I suggest you do, it's a most excellent read), recently a bunch of moronic "tea parties" were held by mouth frothing, homophobic conservative douchebags. Not that I'm biased or anything. I recently had a discussion with a conservative friend, and Toboggan Boy's stance is "I don't want a bunch of gays getting married, then I'll have to pay for them!"

This from a man who answered "did you ever take a shot in the mouth for some crack?" with "Yerdaddy's done some foolish things..." I mean honestly. I don't really think he did but to be so cracked out of your mind at the time that you cannot definitively say you didn't is just as bad if not worse.

Real quick, then I will move on, here are the reasons I hear the most from my red state buddies and why they are stupid:

1. "It's against the Bible, which is the word of Gawd!" (said in Mr. Garrison's voice)

Debunk: You are retarded. Seriously though, "The word of the Lord" has been rewritten more often than I've sent photos of Jeremy out, and homosexuality in those times was a sign of stature and was not looked upon as wrong or bad (look it up), but even if they were what the hell does some dude wanting to violate the anus of another dude who isn't you any of your business?

2. "If those homos get married I'll have to pay for their benefits I am Benson Hunter!"

Debunk: So what? When you factor in that more than 50% of marriages end in divorce within the first 3 years, as well as the fact that marrying someone to allow them entrance into the United States is a common practice, what the fuck do you care? It's not like a couple of gay guys getting married are going to raise the amount of taxes you have to pay, but even if it did THEY PAY TAXES TOO, moron! Single homos are paying so you and your wife can receive checks long after you have outlived your usefulness, too. If this is your argument, gay people should not have to pay taxes, since they will obviously not benefit from them.

3. "They only turn gay to get on Hollywood TV" Look up a guy named RIchard Burgess. Youtube him. It's audio, it's NSFW, but well worth a listen. I KNOW people who have said the same things.

Debunk: Why in the name of fuck would you CHOOSE to be ostracized, beaten, cast out, made fun of, looked over for promotions, kicked out of the military and countless other insults to your person? And I don't care, if it was me, I could pretend to "go gay" right up until it came time to take another dude's cock in my hand/ mouth/ ass. Nope. If that is the case, that is one elaborate fucking scheme.

4. "Homos are ruining the American Family!" THis is the idea that 2 men or 2 women fucking somehow ruins the lives of "normal" God-Fearing Americans.

Debunk: There is no such thing as an American Family anymore. The picturesque families we all try to model ourselves after, the 1950's kind of "Leave it to Beaver" (LOL) family does not exist. Your average family now has no time to sit down to dinner together, as both parents work, the kids have homework and friends and videogames and internet pornography all vying for attentions that has to be shared with the parents, and with bills and the costs of basic services skyrocketing along with the death of the 8 hour workday NO ONE has a "Normal Family" anymore. Family time now entails a hurried microwave burrito and dry humping by the microwave while the wife puts on her makeup before going to work. Well no I try to do that every day even if we have the time but you get my point!

Sorry to go off like that, but listening to this huge non-issue, for that's what it should be, a non issue, when we have bigger things to worry about, like health care, the war in Iraqiranistan, running out of oil, and other forms of buttfuckery is starting to hurt my head. Seriously, unless 2 men are touching dicks over your Cheerios in the morning and pounding eachother on your lawn making you mow around them, who cares?

Anyway, back to my regularly scheduled program.

Why is Smeagol still at my mom's house? Seriously. He's almost 40 and spends his time either munching already pounded twat or avoiding his wife. If you don't care for someone why are you with them? I guess I can't complain too much though, he hasn't been to jail in a while.

More later...

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