cherry tree, pickle!
burnt butthole, stinky tomato!
haikus make no sense!
Weird People Shenanigans
Alright I have a few pet peeves that I would like to share with like minded individuals; but since I don't know any other weirdos who look forward to holiday brawls in his own home, you guys will have to do.
And because I know you all love lists so much, I put these all in order. Enjoy.
1) Untrusting old people - This is the person who blames everything on Microsoft, nevermind that the reason their computer is running slowly is because their grandkid had been downloading Placenta Pounders 3: The Rebirth, all issues are because Microsoft wants to ruin their lives. SLow computer? Microsoft. Tons of porn on your desktop? Microsoft. Bought some Viagra and still can't piss without it getting on your balls? Well that's really sad, but still the fault of Microsoft.
2) "You control the internet" - I hate this person. THis is the douche that calls because www.insertobscuretotallynonworkfuckrelatedwebsite.com is not working and the first thing out of their upper sex hole is "Is the internet down? Why can't you guys just keep it working? I'm trying to *insert totally mundane task* that will make this company *insert astronomical number* and I can't because you can't keep the internet running!" You should respond to this with "Well as soon as I do reboot the internet I am going to do *mundane task* so I can make those *astronomical number of dollars*!" Then shit on their desk.
3) The Weird smile - this is usually an elevator person. We all know the etiquette: get on the elevator as quickly as possible, no farting unless A) you know everyone on the elevator or b) you are getting off on your floor, look straight ahead but if you do make eye contact, a quick nervous smile and then look only at the closed doors or up at the floor number indicator. The weird smile person is usually someone of the opposite sex, sometimes quite homely but not always, and usually does the proverbial "double take" as you get on the elevator. This is followed by her staring at you, sometimes mouthing words to try to get you to look at them but not always, followed by moving slightly closer to you every time someone else gets on the elevator or she thinks you are not watching her. DO NOT get off on the same floor as weird smile person, even if that is your floor and even if she is riding the elevator up to see you at said floor. Tis much easier to become entangled in an awkward toilet shopper moment (see number 4) than deal with said person following you around, going "mm-MMMm" while looking at your crotch (hello, my eyes are up here ladies) or, and I shit you not, informing you "you is fine as a muthafuckah" and then nodding their head in case you didn't quite get the message.
4) Awkward toilet shopper - This is when another of the magical (and quickly growing) numbers of toilet shoppers gets off the elevator, checks around to make sure no one else is in the vicinity, heads for the bathroom and bumps into another toilet shopper, creating that awkward moment and sending many questions racing through each of the participants' heads:
1 - Does he/she use my toilet?
2 - would he/she tell anyone about my smell?
3 - Did I flush?
4 - WHy am I still standing here looking at this asshole?
It makes it worse if it is in an empty hallway, as there is no way to just bump into eachother and walk away quickly and then get lost in the crowd. WHen you are both alone, and you look into eachother's eyes, and both realize neither of you had any business on that floor, and you both know you are using the same toilet, but that the one who has not yet shit will still go sit on the warmed toilet seat of the one who has already shit.
5) Smeagol - What can I say, he steals shit, he is an asshole, what more do you need?
6) The "I'm still hip" wino - we all know this guy, this is the man with the tattered rags on, always smells of alcohol, can't french kiss worth a damn, always trying to shy away from your gentle touch as you lick what looks likce creamed spinach off of his 5 o'clock stubble while he sleeps in a pile of refuse behind the lofts on 5th and McGee....anyway this is the wino that tries to still be hip while trying to scam your hard earned monies. You can usually tell if a wino is the "I'm still hip" type because he starts his bum pitch with "Scuse me young blood, what's really good?"
On to other things...
So my aunt calls the other day to ask if certain people will be there, like she is trying to get her own fight card right in her head. Our guest list at this moment looks like so:
My wife's parents
Smeagol and Mystery
JJ and his kid
My aunt, her son and at least 3 or her grandkids
my sister and her coven
my wife's sister
whatever homeless wino my mom befriends on the way up
I swear, I sincerely love my mother. I do. But her penchant for finding the nastiest looking, gayest weirdo in the greater metropolitan area and then bring him to family functions is, has been and will always be mad annoying, son! I will never forget about that year she brought that blind guy up who ended up shitting all over my toilet, mad sprayage!
Anyway, if I don't have the pleasure of talking to any of you beforehand, happy holidays, stay safe, and can Smeagol move in with you?