Thursday, November 20, 2008

No Associating with Coloreds!

Take the long way home
hug a child; pet a damn dog
be someone, dammit!

When did I become a loser?

I sat on the can yesterday, playing a video game long after my shit was done, and pondered this. That act, sitting in the bathroom after I was done dropping the kids off, was my last act of outright defiance toward a world that had for years shunned me simply because I look like Anthony Anderson and Nell Carter made sweet love and created a baby. I wondered how I went from the guy everyone loved in Kindergarten because I had shown them my weiner, set fire to my mom's clothes, killed not one but 3 classroom pets, and was a general terror to all authority figures, to the meek individual you see in the manager's office today. I mean sure, I went to all manner of manager's meetings back in the day, but the rebellion seemed forced.

The manager meetings at the Firm had taken a decidedly more confrontational stance after my little suaree at the technical retreat, which baffled me because one of the highest people on the food chain was up there rambling whilst drunk about "and IT, you guys are....(starts falling asleep, wakes self up violently) you guys are the best at what you do, I mean if you don't do IT then who does, am I right? You guys are computers.... you do computers SO WELL..." thus proving that

A) she had NO fucking clue what we did, and
B) if I had been just a little more unscrutable I could have beat her back out toot sweet, but alas I was busy answering calls from all manner of pissed off toupee wearing lawyer at the time.

Anyway, I think the reason for this manager's meeting was either I had made Flanders cry by ignoring him or grunting out my answers, one of my favorite things to do, or Greyskull had overheard me saying I fell in love with the 14 year old intern after she crawled under a desk for me; I sometimes get dates and stuff mixed up. Anyway, I think all G-Skull wanted was an opportunity to call me into her lair, and she got it when I dared speak to the other African-American on the floor. As we all know, 1 black guy means a robbery is about to take place, 2 is the beginning of a riot. As I am standing over ther, rambling on about completely inapproriate things with Derka and Mixmaster P, Greyskull moseys over and sweetly calls me into her office. This was strange for 2 reasons: at that point it had been almost a week since I had been called into her office, and we were all wondering what the drought was for, and 2 she was usually already fuming by the time she came by to call me in. I walked to the lair vowing to keep my wits about me and stay on my toes.

I walk in and sit down, noticing that no one else is in there and so this is just another retarded "You're so well spoken for a negro, you gotta be happier from now on, smile for your overlords boah!" lack of communications meeting, and relax, leaning back with my arms crossed so she knew she was wrong.

"Stevester, I would like to start by saying you are very intelligent, and your technical skills are sound-' blah blah blah '-but I've noticed that you are starting a very disturbing trend where you only talk to certain people, and completely ignore others. SPeaking to Desi all the time makes others feel as if you do not care for them, and that's not what we're about. From now on, you need to respond to everyone favorably, and try to make everyone feel as if they are your best friend, understand?"

Never. Never in all my years as a security guard, burger flipper, hand party maker or warehouse worker have I gotten in trouble for not being everyone's "friend". I was literally getting talked to because I was not everyone's friend. I was so completely floored I could not find words to protest other than "are you saying I have to be likable to everyone? I have to be buddies with every person here? I don't come in to work to be anyone's friend; I come here to work. Some people I like talking to, and some I talk to less, but I am not here to be anyone's friend."

She tried to counter with a different tactic: preying upon my ego. This would work if I (and my weiner) were allowed to roam free amongst the large swathes of uger hot ladies (especially the ones in records, MMmm MMmmm!), wrangling them down with my love lasso, but at that point I was in year 8 of my wife's 25 year plan to turn me either gay or so meek that I would actually watch her stupid lifetime movies and cry along with her (I still won't, great success!)

"Listen Stevester, when you come in with a good attitude everyone is happier. The day moves along more smoothly and everything works out easier. When you come in and sit at your desk like that-' at this point she pointed at how I was sitting with my arms crossed, desperately trying to roll my eyes a little bit more -' and grunt when people try to talk to you, you bring the whole team down and everyone walks around wondering 'what's wrong with Stevester?', 'why is he so angry all of the time?'.... stuff like that. I do not want to see you talking to Desi anymore, as it appears all you are doing is wasting time instead of doing what you are here for, which is to work. You also need to put on an academy performance to get rid of that bad attitude and become more approachable by ALL employees' and at this point I knew she meant mostly Flanders, who had made it very clear that my ignoring him and grunting at him was hurting his widdle feewings because "I'm a sensitive guy" which I think is code for "I'm not gay, but I would take a cock if the guy bought me flowers first"

Only after I walked out of the office and sat at my cube while Flanders dry humped me into submission with Greyskull looking on with a maniacal grin did I think to tell her that I also hated Derka when she first sat by me and did not speak to her for almost a month either, but by then it no longer mattered.


Desi also got into trouble for "inciting riots and unlawful assembly with another colored" or something like that, and in whispered tones in a back hallway he informed me of this. It is on this day that I officially began a search for another job. When I am not only not allowed to talk to friends but am in essence forced to circle jerk Santa and Flanders, who had to be the only ones who complained because they were the only ones I didn't talk to, it is officially time to move on.

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