Wednesday, August 29, 2007

My Brother's Wife

Alberto Gonzales

Alberto you queef!
Jump ship because it's sinking
You, sir, are a taint


No I am not an aspiring suspense writer. Mystery is my brother's wife. He told me early on in their relationship that he thought that was her name because everything to her was one. I did not like her. She did not like me. Haggard was in love with her.

My brother met her while wiping asses at a nursing home. He said he fell in love when he heard someone call her name. She is about 6'5, maybe 150 pounds, and her face looks like someone took a frying pan and smashed the cute out of it. She is Australian, and has a large nose, which makes it look that much the worse. I think she got in a car accident when she was a child, and hit her head really hard, which made her a little slow, which is not what I am making fun of. She is a complete and total douche, which I am making fun of.

They met and got married right as I had moved out of my dad's house because of the crack rocks, so I was grateful when they offered to let me crash at their place for a week or two. They lived way North of the River, had air conditioning, a store that rented out Super Nintendos, and a couch which did not smell of crack or anus. There was no food, but I was used to that.

I did a lot of sleeping there, not much else to do. Mystery's brother, who I will call Jizzface, was a total douche as well. I don't think he liked the fact that my brother was dating his white sister, my brother and I being colored and all, and he always had something smart ass to say to me when he walked by, like "Why don't you get up and do something with your life?" Funny, because he was almost 30 and jobless; the only reason he had a home and a truck was because Mystery's mom paid for it all. He would also mumble "goddamn niggers" under his breath as he walked by and saw me playing SNES.

I first noticed something was really off with Mystery when my brother actually bought some food once and asked her to cook it. She put the food in the oven, packages and all still on it, and walked into her room. I was not going to say anything because maybe she knew some cooking secret I did not (I cannot cook), but after about an hour when I walked by her room and she was sitting in there looking at the wall with a blank stare on her face I went to check on the food to see if it was burning or what was going on. She had never turned the stove on. O-okay, I set everything to rights, wait for it to cook, and as a joke (because I thought she was joking) went and told her it was done. She went and ate and took a huge portion for my brother, leaving me with in essence scraps.

When we moved from there (I went and glued the pages together on her brother's porn books as a parting gift) to the ghetto house she got worse, though that will be the subject of future posts.

I would also like to relate that when I remarked (as I did more and more frequently as time went on) on how ugly and stupid she was, my brother would tell me he was drunk the whole time he was with her, including the wedding, which I am not sure I believe. Also she never brushed her teeth, so her breath always smelled like shit dipped in genital wart fungus.

1 comment:

Stevester said...

I would like to state, for the record, that her being Australian is in no way a dig at our Aussie friends. It is in fact, notable, because most Australian chicks are hot, much like most latin, asian and other ethnic babes... it's just funny that she was so ugly...