Ah, John Lee Riches,
Will your suits never be heard?
Don't sue me for this
So I worked at Gateway for my first tech job, which was pretty cool, the only tools I needed to know according to my trainer who had pretty much the same name as me was "Delete Normal.Dot because it is a macro virus. If that does not work, format and reload". I wasn't sure why they needed 89 people to tell people to do something like that since he assured me those were pretty much the only tools I needed, but what the hell. I later learned why he had the SABAS award (Sucks as Bad as Siebel) all the time.
Anyway, some of the more interesting calls I got were from what I like to call the "regular" customers, here for your enjoyment:
Mustard Man: This guy was completely normal throughout the call. Just a run of the mill call, needed a new cdrom or something stupid like that, he was very polite and did not interrupt me during my stupid spiel. Finally at the end of the call, I ask if there is anything else he needed, and he pauses for about 3 seconds, and then says "I hate mustard" and hangs up. I am not sure why, but it screwed me up the whole rest of the day. Why did he hate mustard? Why did he tell me that? What was that horrible smell?
Undies guy: This guy was a pretty frequent caller, someone who in all honesty did not need a computer so much as a punching bag (aka a wife, Oh! (Oh God I'm going to hell for that one)), and always gave way too many details about his life and what he was doing and where he was and what he was wearing: (Picture a HEAVY New York Accent) "So yeah I'm on da floah heah (floor here), I'm naked cause my clothes is dryin see, and I need to change out the memory on this thing so I can play a game. I need to put some games on deah cause my wife found the pwooan (porn) and told me to delete it or else she'll leave me... also can you show me how to boin videos to disc?"
The Shitter: This was usually an older or more rotund gentleman, though one chick called in while she was taking a leak, but this is the guy who calls while right in the middle of a dump, wanting to troubleshoot something, usually the wireless signal: "Yeah I need some *eeerrrghugh* help with this *uuuurgggh* -Ploomp splash- wireless internets". I usually hung up on them.
Too busy guy: Usually a douche bag lawyer, this is the asshole who calls wanting to troubleshoot something on his computer while in a convertible with the radio on and keeps telling you to hold on he can't hear you because he is driving through a tunnel or something. I usually waited for him to say that and then hung up.
Life Story Lady:Usually the weird lady who calls with some mundane problem and as soon as she gets your ear spends 30 minutes going into detail about how her carpal tunnel is killing her or how different her cat's personalities are or how she has not felt the luscious sting of a man's cock in oh so long (I made that last one up, at least that would have been more interesting). Amusing at first but the low self esteem usually bores me into hanging up on them without fixing their issue.
Super ho- WTF?! lady: This is the lady that sounds cool as hell, witty, charming, kinda sexy sounding, telling you about cool stuff going on in her area that you should come out and meet her to go see, then you find out from her profile that she is 80 years old... and, uh.... well fuck it I ain't gonna lie you start thinking how 80 ain't all that old and maybe....never mind fuck you asshole don't judge!
The retard: Usually older white males (and by "older" I mean probably WTF lady's husband in most cases) who usually says his OS is Word and that he can't tell the difference between a right click and a left click and a double right and double left click (yes they insist on asking if they can double right click even after you tell them it does fucking nothing) and insists on reading the entire box of whatever product it is to you out loud in agonizingly.....slow........monotonous.... tones....... and if you fucking interrupt him he starts over. Unfortunately this is also the one who writes to management most often so hanging up on this kind of guy, while it happened frequently, usually ended up getting me into more trouble.
The kid (cool edition): This is the college or high school kid who admits he or she does not know a whole lot about computers but is honest about the problem (one guy just told me straight up he had been downloading porn for 3 hours straight over a cable connection ) and pays attention and has a little common sense, not to be confused with:
The kid (buttfucking lemur edition): This is the snotty little punk that got a free computer with their corvette from Daddy and is rubbing your face in your own poverty, insisting that he has so much to do with lounging around, hitting on hot chicks or trying to start his own music business, he barely uses his computer, until you look a little bit and realize all the granny tranny video clips on his pc from the night before he called that is... then he hangs up on you.
will be back on track tomorrow with the story of my brother and the bum who annoyed him.