Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Matt, Mike, and Danster
those little guys are all mine
DNA proves it

So my neighbor was by the other day, trying to get me to install another first person shooter to play, and the Danster was running around the house with a batman cape on, tackling the cats, which sounds abusive until you remember my cat, Nubbies, weighs more than the Danster and it is his own fault because he lays around like a fat ass teddy bear all the time and can't be bothered to move even when you lay on him, so he is not all that unlike me. 

Anyway, Danster is running around, knocking things over, just being himself, and my neighbor chimes in with "Man I can't believe he turns 3 in less than two weeks..." *sound of record scratching to a halt* Wha?!

I had completely forgotten he was about to turn 3. I leapt into action and bought some more adult dvds from my favorite porn website then made some nachos and played some Halo, but the whole time I couldn't believe I had forgotten about my own child turning 3, and worse than that, that my NEIGHBOR had to remind me. 

For those of you who know me, my natural hatred of children should be proof enough, coupled with the parenting examples my parents displayed during my formative years, should be proof enough that no one should ever entrust me with their child's safety. If I had showed up for school on a regular basis past football season to be in the yearbook, I would have been voted "Most likely to kill and eat his own children". I can't believe that not only do I have 3 kids, but that they have all survived thus far even with my poor attempts at fatherhood!

In case you hadn't seen the Magikal Danlester, here he is at Halloween again:

I am trying to think of a party or something we can have with the little tyke, but I am not sure how those things go: Since he's 3, he can't invite anyone, or because he's 3 and talks more than anyone I have ever met, he might invite everyone: "Hey there, guy-with-handlebar-mustache-driving-a-panel-van, instead of offering me candy if I bounce on your lap, come to my birthday party!" Sadly that's how all of my birthday parties began, at least until I shaved the mustache off.

Anyway, on to other things.

Smeagol apparently has his own house cleaning service, if you are in the market to lose numerous pawnables without the trouble of having to move them yourself, let me know and I will pass it along to him. For a little extra he will sleep and gently fart in your bed, and might leave his thong there, simmering under the blankets... great times.

He cleaned my mom's house recently, and JJ said he is getting better at what disappears, it is getting harder and harder to find out what all is missing... maybe Smeagol has turned over a new condom? He said Smeagol called him later and was all like "...hey niggie, how'd you like your nice clean house? MmmmMMMmmmm...... I'm so tired", which is awesome and disturbing at the same time.

Last thing, the new Bruno movie is coming out in July, I think... I will expect to see you all there in different character outfits! I am going to wear Borat's beach outfit, though I look more like Azamat than Borat!

Last last thing... I like to think I have a pretty awesome fashion sense, I like the color black and blue and think they go well together, much like brown and teal! Why is it when my wife buys me a shirt that I personally think makes me look gay (not that there's anything wrong with that), that I get compliment after compliment from the ladies? I will never understand women: You want a bad boy, but wonder why he is still bad after you get together; you want a real man, but want him to dress in a magenta shirt and khaki's (which is what I am wearing today), which in no way is what a real man would wear. Contradictions hurt my head!

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