Thursday, January 29, 2009

Romance during Black History Month?!!

love is in the air
influence spreads like a spore
Brown Bear is immune

So I guess it's getting to be that time that I dread: not only is Valentine's Day, the shittiest fucktard-iest holiday ever, but my wife and I's (I know that's not grammatically correct, but I'm retarded so lemme alone!) 10 year anniversary is coming up, which is gay. Now I heard from someone that for the 10 year anniversary you are supposed to give her wood, but I give that to her all the time whether she's awake or willing or not, so I am not sure how giving it to her for our anniversary is going to make it a gift. I'll try though, maybe if I surprise her by doing some of that "foreplay" I keep skipping past to get to the sex parts in movies, but then she might expect that all the time, so that's a no go. If it takes longer than a commercial break, I ain't interested, that's the only true thing I learned from Smeagol and it's a good caveat to live by. That and "never look Mystery in the eye", for doing so leads to dementia.

I also heard tin and aluminum are 10 year anniversary gifts, which is strange. Should I buy her a flask? Would I be uncouth if I drank all the alcohol out of it first? The idea of a woman wearing a hip flask automatically gets me excite for some reason, does that make me gay? Let's look at what Semagol gave his love for their anniversaries:

On their first anniversary we moved from lovely Smithville, Missouri to Ghettotown USA, also known as the corner of 54th and Woodland. We also had to bail Smeagol out of jail.

On their 5th anniversary Smeagol met her at a hotel down by Swope park for some undercover lovin while his thong steamed like an oven (I love rhyming)

On their 10th anniversary he had her bail him out of jail.

My track record, dear readers, is not a whole lot better, unfortunately.

Our first anniversary I was going to school in the morning and working all night, so our first anniversary I think I copped a feel while I was changing and that was it.

Our fifth anniversary we got married, on the same day so I wouldn't have to remember 2 days (her idea, not mine)

I was going to learn Tears From Heaven (I am not gay, listen to the song it actually sounds pretty cool) on guitar for her, and surprise her at work with a serenade, but I spent all this time rocking out on Led Zeppelin, which is slightly less romantic, but maybe more awesome.

Last year I had flowers sent to her job, but I guess I ruined it because instead of a poem or love note I wrote in the little card "Please bring me home a burger and some fries, I am hungry" (I am not kidding)

The year before I purchased "Hot Ebony Honies pt. 7: Indiana Bones and the Last Horny Crusade" which was strangely enough a straight to dvd film that was pretty cheap. I figured we would watch it together and then....uh.... well anyway I guess she was less than enamored when I decided to screen it before we watched it together and accidentally left it in the dvd player. Awkward!

Granted the way we started off in our journey through life together was less than romantic - I was calling around after being taken to jail to get someone to bail me out, and Smeagol, after telling me "Well that's your problem, niggie" I guess told someone at Burger King where I worked at the time (I'm not exactly sure how it happened) and she took 500 bux out of her savings to purchase her some USDA black beef, but I need to come up with something romantic.

I briefly thought about maybe not farting in her face or something like that, but I really want this to be special, not "speshul", which most of my other gift ideas are (for her birthday one year, I accidentally spilled grape juice on the carpet, and she was on me to get a rug doctor to remedy that, but instead of renting one, I bought her a steam cleaner for our anniversary.....what?)... I thought about purchasing a scarf from a very talented entrepreneur I know, but I think it's too late to do something like that, and there's a waiting list. Though wearing just a scarf and dancing around like I did at my Chippendale's audition might be a good idea... if I wanna be single!

I think the thing that makes it worse is she has given up on trying to hint, or even acknowledging stuff like anniversaries or Valentine's day or anything like that, because to do so would be, much like the misled creditor who gives Smeagol a credit card, to set up for unending and total failure, and that's not how I wanna roll.

SO I need brainstorming. What have you done for your significant other? Smeagol said Mystery nuzzled up behind him recently, and asked him "what can I do for you?" to which he answered "You can get the hell outta my life!" While that is romantic, I'm not sure humor is the way to go in this instance.

Come on, peoples. While I am well versed in the art of killing, I am a n00b to the fine art of loving.


Anonymous said...

Write 40 or so short notes of affection - they can be funny, but make 'em real - on some small pieces of paper.
Fold each note and stick it inside of a balloon. One note per balloon.
Blow up each balloon and pile them on top of your bed.
After she pops each balloon and is swooning from your romantic and literary creativity, dim the lights and commence to boot knockin'.

Stevester said...

Then when she is done popping the balloons can I play "Romancing the Bone" on the TV? or would that ruin the moment? Why do they make porn if you can never watch it? Dang!