Thursday, January 8, 2009


Alright, I usually don't post twice in one day, but this is an emergency.

You all know I am deathly afraid of someone touching me or speaking to me or looking at me while I am at my most vulnerable: i.e. whilst I download the brownload (credit for that phrase go to Chris, word to yo mutha).

I was sitting on the can, not really crapping anymore, just letting it all stew whilst I played Tecmo Super Bown (I got a Nintendo emulator on my GBA, Schwiiiing!) when the door opens. Annoyed I turn down the volume and pucker my sphincter until they leave.

Not only does this guy not leave, but he walks past not one, not two, but 4 empty stalls and stands in front of the one I am in for what seems like an eternity but in all honesty was prolly more like 3 seconds. I then see his hand go over the top of the stall as he yanks on the door not once but twice in a row, trying to open the door. I am riveted at this point, and my sphincter, in my lack of concentration, lets loose a most unmanly fart, the kind that is kinda weak sounding like you were trying to hold it in and it escaped?

Anyway, while this is happening, I swear to you all, I saw him peek with one eye in between the crack and the door at me sitting there, shitting, and for only a nanosecond I think we made eye contact. This is rape, and I was powerless to stop it, as the only thing I would hate more than being anally dominated is to have shit all over my pants. I prepared for a hand-to-hand combat session, and almost laughed out loud when I pictured a grown man fighting another man who is sitting on the toilet, and losing.

After ascertaining that a locked door, shitty smell and actual human sitting on the can meant the toilet was occupied, he went to the stall closest to the urinals and let loose what I can only describe as the 1812 overture played backwards. The smell was horrendous, even for shit. I hightailed it outta there, feeling dirty but still confident that I coulda whooped his ass while taking a dump.

Also, I forgot to tell you all Smeagol came by this past weekend. Lemme finish the epic and I will get to that, though I swear I have never heard more moaning in my life than I did that fateful day.

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