Friday, January 9, 2009

Another Saga, Part I

Drain the wicked snake
I love turkey pot pies son!
haikus are easy!

Breaking News-

I know I was going to do part 2 of the Epic today, and I still might, I just have to get something off my chest first (besides the cleveland steamer Max left there, cocaine is a helluva drug)...
If I have spoken to any of you on the phone since moving to my new house, you may have noticed something strange. You may have noticed that for some reason the phone cuts out OFTEN. I mean once a minute for about 20 seconds at a time. I can still hear you, but you cannot hear anything I say. At other times, it sounds like I am int he Matrix, as the digital signal from my phone breaks down so much it makes my voice sound robotic. Naturally, being a well rounded professional, I assumed it was naked granny zombie poltergeists messing up my phone, and the only thing that would sate their hellish intents was a ride on the Stevester Peg. I laid completely naked with a hardon on my basement floor as an offering for almost 20 minutes until my ass cheeks fell asleep and I ran out of donuts that I had stacked on my man pole to munch on in case I got hungry, but other than the neighbor lady looking through my window nothing happened.

So I turned my ire toward more Earthly fare. I have the Time Warner all in one digital package, with the "blazing fast internet, digital phone and cable, all in a fantastic package" which is how I desribed myself when I first met my wife, Ziing!

I hate talking to customer service. They are poorly trained, underpaid, rude, and also probably from the ghetto. Being a tech nerd, I also feel more comfortable using my keyboard for communication (both by chatting and throwing it at people) than using my verbal mandingo to come in lucky people's ear pussies. Imagine my surprise when I noticed Time Warner has a live chat option! No more talking to guys from India who 1) have no fucking clue as to what they are talking about, and 2) have suck thick accents you can never tell if they are talking to you or munching twat (Youuuuu liiiiiiigget Vishkayan!)

I log onto chat, and wait patiently to give a very stern textual thrashing to whatever unlucky douche gets me in the queue. Something told me though that I was in for a long day when the chat opened up. I will try to remember it as best I can, and recreate some of the conversation here:

Vishnaly Smith (from here on VD)Me (from here on Me)

VD: Thank you for contacting Time Warner Cable, please give moment look account informations
Me: Yep
VD: I understand you are having slite issue with telephone and internet, is this correct?
Me: Yes, I am h-
-Chat has ended!-

The asshole stopped the chat. Ah, how magical, how fantastic! First, who names their kid Vishnaly Smith? You need an ass whoopin. I log back in and get someone else with poor spelling skills, let's call her VD too:

Me: look, I am getting pissed off right about now. I want a working phone and working internet. I want someone to come out to fix my issue. I want that done today.
VD: I understand your concerns.
Me: (after waiting 2 minutes with no replies) OK, that's great. Are you sending someone out?
VD: I'm sorry, someone out for what?
Me: If you read what I JUST WROTE, you will see what my issue is. Here, I will copy and paste: look, I am getting pissed off right about now. I want a working phone and working internet. I want someone to come out to fix my issue. I want that done today.
VD: Let me check your account informations, hold please...

At this point, I am already annoyed. But on an aside, why do they have you input all your account fucking information if no one fucking reads it? What's the point of having me input all that shit if I get asked EVERY FUCKING TIME for the same fucking info? Fuuuuck! I seriously start thinking about laying naked on the floor again, maybe the old lady zombie (you see, we recently found out the only reason our house was available is because the old lady who lived there died... more on that story later) was on the shitter or something, when VD comes back:

VD: I will need to send technician to your house to resolve issue. May I have address please?
Me: It's the one on my account, the only one I would call you about in the first place...
VD: Oh ok. I send out, Technician will be there between 8:00AM and 6:00PM. Is the-

I log off, annoyed.

Later: The first tech, and why I now hate Mexico.


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