Monday, December 8, 2008

Jungle Boogie

cold air howls, blisters;

lone wolf howls at the full moon

man I'm fuckin' deep!


OK so you all know Smeagol is known for taking the ladies to JJ's house, usually paying JJ for the honor of mounting them thongless on the couch or in the cat's litterbox for all I know while other people are there so that no one will be the wiser...

This kind of magic continues. Smeagol I guess asked JJ if he could bring a bus station skank by while she was still liquored up enough to allow him entry into her stinky love hole. As tempting an offer as being allowed to listen to a raptor attempt to mate with what might by all accounts be a dude is, JJ graciously declined. No word yet on whether Tylester or the Pritster will allow him to use their homes.

So I bought a pool table, or rather the wife did for me for Christmas yesterday (I'll let her know she bought it today), and I called my dad to use his pickup truck to go get said table. I get to his house, the table is out in friggin Lee's Summit, which sucks anus, and there are at least 6 frantic messages left for me by a certain wiley raptor. Apparently he had been trying to get ahold of me with much gusto for the last week or so, which is strange as I called him on his cell phone and he said he kept the number, and wanted my parents to trick me into calling on a cell phone so he could keep that number too. I like the idea of Smeagol desperately clawing at a phone, maybe howling out in raptor disamy, unable to work his claws well enought to find my saved number...
Anyway, I of course do not call him, we go pick up my table and get it set up at the house, and then the phone rings.

I stop, knowing Sami is home and hoping against hope that she will answer it. She asks who is on the phone, as we have Time Warner on screen caller id, where it flashes who is calling on your tv. It only said one word: Raptor. The phone icon had changed to a green thong, and the actors on Law & Order were looking up at it with a mixture of revulsion and outright fear.

We froze: Sami in mid-mix of one of her margaritas (which taste like crap), me in midjerk while watching that Russian chick take down a particularly swarthy negro. My jerk son moseys up and answers the phone, and we continue to hold our breath while listening to what sounds like a coubple or prairie dogs mating. Which one of us did he want to talk to?

YES! He wanted to talk to Sami. She flipped me off and took the phone. I could almost see the tongue of the raptor coming out of the phone to caress her cheek, and vowed not to kiss her for fear failure had leaked through the phone like Freddy Krueger's tongue did on Nightmare on Elm Street

She stood there, scowling but managing to talk normally into said phone, and then midsentence told me to pick up. Fuck!

"Heeeeyyyyy bitch niggie..." he swooned, making me cringe and making the cat shit himself,
"What's been going on? Well enough with the small talk, I heard you got a pool table-" I felt instantly betrayed, who had told him? Only a select few people knew of my new purchase, and I immediately planned to get back at them.

"-how big is it? Is it regulation sized?" WHich reminded me of Mystical Retard and her "MmmMmMmMmmmMmmmMmmMm...... is this Mr. Pibb certifiiiied?" And I tried to stifle a guffaw (because men don't giggle)... No, I informed him, it was not regulation, as a regulation table would not fit in with the other stuff in my basement. He kinda snorted like that made it below him, and I instantly hated his thong even more.

Smeagol wants to come up to my new house to see what all I have and hang out. I am seriously considering allowing him up so that I can get better photos of both him and Mystery. Should I only pick him up in the evening so he cannot find his way during the day, or should I drive him by the little city hall/ police department during the day so he can meet some of his old friends? Or should I be really devious and drive him directly to the lockup and turn him in, banking on him having a warrant in my town?

I would never do the last one, that's just not right. Funny, but not right.


Anonymous said...

Bring him over, but lock everything up first...I wonder if he can steal the pool table?

Stevester said...

only if someone helps him carry it upstairs, he'll ask by golly! He said he had to check his schedule at work to see when he had some time coming up... and his car is running today, so some things are looking up for a certain young raptor!

Anonymous said...

Is that his first job or second job?

Stevester said...